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Hi guys Couple of days ago i went out with the intention o

[285]

Hi guys
Couple of days ago i went out with the intention of ending it all
The story started 2 weeks ago when every time i show my paintings to a gallery they would refuse to show it and ive been going crazy to finally have my first solo exhibition add to that a ton of refused job applications
And with all the drama going in the family I thought it would be best if i just stop to exist
So my plan was to wake up 5 am have a walk in the city till 6 am and then head to a field hang my noose and be done with it
I toke with me my outdoors painting bag which had some pens and a sketch book and the noose that I created
I didnt bother removing the stuff in the bag because i didnt care
By the time i reached the field (6:30) I realized that im actually feeling good and optimistic
I ended up ignoring all of that and hung my noose
And out of no where i had this strange urge to draw it was so powerful that the noose lope was under my nose
I pulled it off, it wasn’t that i was afraid of dieng or wanted to live none of that at that point mattered, i was soo ready to just seas to exist
All that i wanted was to get lost in my sketchbook and draw something out of the hart that has nothing to do with the conceptual art or .... just a sketch done by me to me
I started drawing around 7 am and i just couldn’t stop
My tears were dripping from my eyes to the dirt without me even noticing them
I went into a mood where I couldn’t see or feel anything around me at all
I came back to my continence around 4 hours later only woke up by a tear hitting my hand
I went home walking and ive started to notice that there is a ton of details in nature that i have never seen
The way the trees move and the color of the grass ... all of that combined made me feel something new
Happy may say
Im still alive and my noose is still hanging on a tree somewhere in that field
Today ive received 2 job offers and a scheduled solo exhibition by 2020
This is in no way the end of my problems i know that for sure but its just a start
Hope this will help anyone in need
Thank you a lot guys without you im sure id still be in that field

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Zeraora's picture
[2575]
Aug 14

I wish there was a self harm experiment in nj. I would volunteer to cut for research because I am fascinated by it now.

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[285]
Aug 15

@Zeraora
I dont know if i can control it
Sadly or not i did cut myself today and my mind is going wild
Im in no place to give advice or pretend i know how to help
But simply what helps me getting over my pain and cutting myself is doing what i love for me not for anyone else
It doesn’t work all of the time
But when it works it feels better than any drug or alcohol that i have ever used
Just find what u love and roll with it
I really hope you will be safe and fight for your own good

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Zeraora's picture
[2575]
Aug 16

@Afootballfan if i was to self harm again. I would make myself manic on purpose to teach myself a lesson. I know that if i jump into cold water ("i will this winter") it will hurt me in so many ways to make sure that I never love self harm ever again. This is my goal, to flirt with the fact that I can not live with it.

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