This week's Topic: Giving yourself permission to be imperfect!!!

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Well...he's been away since March 16th. He finally said the

Well...he's been away since March 16th. He finally said the D word. I'm numb. He blames himself. I think he wanted me to have a strong reaction. I didn't. I listened to him and kept preparing my dinner plate. He's met someone, but doesn't think it's gonna get serious. He just wants to "make our separation permanent" because "it's time."

After the call, I sat still and analyzed my feelings. Sadness. Resignation. Hurt. And still an irrational bit of hope. I hate myself for not giving up.

I imagine him somewhere smiling with somebody who's not me. That feels like a gut punch.

My son is sitting across from me and I'm sitting here typing and trying not to cry. I don't even know why I feel like crying. We've been over for a while and he's been gone for more than 4 months. This isn't a surprise but I think I wanna die...just for a while.

Now that I think about it...I am angry. I hate him for giving up on us. Once again, he has decided to rearrange my universe without discussing it with me. Once again, he "informed" me that things would be different without giving a thought to how anybody but him would be affected.

I thought about calling my sisters to talk but I'm too embarr***ed. I thought about cutting, but that's illogical and I'd hafta wear long sleeves in the summer. I even thought about that big *** bottle of Tylenol 3...but my house it too messy to leave someone else to clean it. I'm glad I don't have access to a firearm.

I even considered calling my therapist, but I see her tomorrow so I've decided to wait. I wanna scream and flail and rend my garments and tear my hair out. I wanna press my fingernails into my arms and dig bloody trenches. I want to pound my head on concrete until my vision blurs and I fall asleep...then wake and find out none of this is happening.

EDIT: ****, that was fast. He just emailed me paperwork. I think I should begin drinking now.

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Mick77's picture
[1575]
Jul 30

As hard as it is, the best thing you can do for yourself and against him is now live your best life possible. Think back to your time before he was a part of your life, embrace that side of you reengage old interests, seek old friends, reconnect with family you may not have spoken to in years. It will help remind you, that you exist and can thrive without his awfulness. Please don’t do any of those things you mentioned they will not help you or anybody else

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justamomof2's picture
[3485]
Jul 30

The end of a relationship is heartbreaking, especially when you are the one who got left. Please be strong for your son-he needs you right now. I'm so glad you're going to therapy-what does your therapist say? Do you agree? Please let us know how it's going.

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[670]
Jul 31

@justamomof2 My therapist says I should contact legal aid and not let him dictate the terms...like I've done for the past 15 years. I'm still in a place of mental and emotional wtf. I knew this was coming, but I guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was. Right now I'm listening to blues and country music and wallowing in my well earned depression.

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