*******TW***** ******.... I'm feeling ******. I

Unnamed19s's picture

******.... I'm feeling ******. I haven't been on here in a hot minute, but long story short, I finally left. We, my son n I, finally left, after 10 years. The same month we were supposed to actually, finally have a ceremony, since we got married privately, (we were supposed to have a full wedding in 2016 but that didn't happen) let's just say a lot of ****, um, went on, n in so many ways it just got disrespectful. It was physical in the past, over the years, but this, was on a completely different level of straight disrespectful. And unsafe. - but I was sleeping on an air mattress in my livingroom, because I couldn't take sleeping in a bed alone that I wasn't alone in, not to mention everything else in between. Then slowly starting to pack up the house, (what I could without him noticing) -Then all of a sudden he was going on a fishing trip for 4 days. I knew that was our only chance, we had to take it. So we did. It's been a little over 4 months since we moved out... sometimes, most times, I feel like I feel more dead inside now than I did before we left. I try to stay busy, working n constantly moving, but at this point I don't know if it's helping or making it worse. But I can't stand the silence, I feel like that alone will push me too far. I honestly don't even know.... right now, there's not much I feel like I know, or what exactly I expect or hope to get from this post, but if nothing else, at least I get it out of my head. But **** has the 135 days I have cut free been weighing on me.... Why can't I let him go? Like I just need to, I wish I could erase him from my memory, from my heart, from my soul.... all of it. Because I honestly don't know how much longer I can be 'strong' enough to deal n feel this pain so I can process it all n make peace so I can move forward, n move forward in a healthy way. I'm the one that walked away, my son said it was time for us to go, (it's his step dad- father not In picture).... we had to. So why do I feel like a pos for walking away? Why do I feel like I quit n gave up on him/us? When he made sure there wasn't an us for too long now. Why is he perfectly fine n unaffected, n I'm still struggling every day just to wake up every day?

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View 8 More Comments
May 28

@Unnamed19s A quick observation and recommendation here. It sounds like you may have a case of stockholm syndrome or survivor’s guilt, possibly both. You definitely need to shift your focus from the mistakes of the past to the hopes and plans of making a better future for you and your son. If possible I would recommend an organization like the YWCA or any group in your area for victims of domestic abuse. They will have resources and connections to help you in many ways. There will most likely be others that can relate because they have similar experiences. I believe it could be of great help to you if you can find a group in your area or look up the national domestic abuse hotline and get help finding resources in your area.

Blueberries1234's picture
May 28

@Unnamed19s. oh my god. Your situation is extreme, you aren't "crazy", and you mentioned there are so many witnesses. Don't ever think you're crazy, you are having a legit reaction to a person who I think we can safely say, is a murderer. Cutting the brakes on someone's car?! That's a real reason to be afraid, combined with stalking you, placing trackers--- and if you had stayed he would have probably killed you eventually, and your son would have witnessed it. your story is shocking. I really am glad if you arent in that town anymore, and I feel like you need to sell your car that he at any point had access to, in a neighboring town (not your current place). I worked with people whose ex- partners were dangerous like yours, and you need to make sure you're off all social media apps and no friends in common with him. It isn't that you weren't "enough", he is genuinely a psychopath/sociopath. Normal people dont track their loved ones, send or hire people to stalk them, or cut the brakes on people's cars which is genuine proof that he intended to hurt whomever was driving and if theyd been driving a littlw too fast they could have literally died. I cant believe your child is exposed to thus, and I really think you should talk tk victim services and ask about a safehouse, or at least a counseling service specifically for as another supporting person has said---for stolkholm syndrome which is what you're experiencing ---love for an abuser. I think that when youve experienced love and pain so much, we can confuse the two. We can really begin to look past the cruel, and DANGEROUS situation we find ourselves in. And dangerous includes, but is not limjted to suicidal ideation as a result of someone's abuse, while thinking we caused their behavior, beinf willing to accept them back into our life despite them showing clear signs if being emotionally neglectful, abusive, psychologically, sexually, or physically which includes threats of harm and stalking. Girl Im genuinely worri3d for you and Im glad you arent in thw same town as this person who has isolated you to this extreme. Im glad you can acknowledge he is playing mind ganes with you. Normal people dont do this, no matter whether someone "deserves" it or not. You dont deserve this. You, have nothing to do with how he treats you. He would treat all partners like thus because he's insane.

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LollyNews's picture
May 28

@Unnamed19s been through this in the past minus the tracking part. There is nothing you can do except get away and stay away.
You did the right thing. Stay focused on protecting yourself.
For me the only solution was to stay single and work on my psychology. Glad you are here talking about it with people who can support you.


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