Newest Blog is out, Support is Necessary!!!
Make sure to click READ MORE to see the full article. -SG
https://www.supportgroups.com/blog/support-is-necessary or click BLOG on the GREEN menu bar

I am a bit messed up. I live in a fantasy world. But i feel

Blueberries1234's picture
[56150]

I am a bit messed up. I live in a fantasy world. But i feel like the real world doesnt matter at all. It's like this mirage, an illusion. And I just keep wanting someone to kill me. I walk around aimlessly. Im not attached to anyone, anything, I drink lattes and read books, and I want my loneliness to swallow me whole because there is no point. It's like a kid when youd play alone for hours and hours and hours, and you sort of feel numb after a while and talking feels unnatural. Im there. I feel unworthy, like an alien. I cant fit in woth my "friends", I dont have the same sense of humor, I dont like fashion, I dont like movies or pop culture, I look down on everything because it all feels so shallow. But I have to pretend I dont look down on it. All the corruption, and the lies, the selfishness of the people around me. Everyone feels like theyre just transactional beings. I want to throw up. I sound like a narcissist myself, rigid, looking down on others, thinking people should fit this box I have for them. I want to barf, Im disgusted with myself. This need for perfection is strange. I feel like nothing and no one will ever fulfill me. I keep wanting to be ejected from this planet. Ill try to have babysteps, first Ill pay the bill. Start there. Buy onions. Eat selenium, maybe it's my hormones. Just this heaviness. A big weight. This city is so ugly, disgusting. Trash everywhere, on every level. Why do I have to live amongst the dirt??? Disgusting. Strip clubs, pure objectification and dehumanization glorified. Garbage everywhere people go do environmental marches while drknking from straws, rich peoplr who are miserable, no one DARES to smile at a stranger and looks away from fear. The noise. Drilling, birds who squawk to hear eqchother becausr it's so loud theyve lost all birdsong, the sound of sirens wake me up every morning. It's really disgusting tbh. I dont know how I get dragged to these **** places, when I have no interest in being here. The only explanationbis the gods and predetermined destiny because Ive had no interest ever moving here and yet here I am. Maybe I can apply for jobs somewhere but I dont think I qualify for anything. I should get a masters degree? But thats just more money. Mostly I want to throw up. Not much else to say really. Better go shower.

show more ⇓
Comment
 24
View 21 More Comments
tabbycat65's picture
[1270]
Nov 5

@Blueberries1234 I get that completely

Reply
Blueberries1234's picture
[56150]
Nov 6

@Hopeful100 those are HUGE accomplishments! You faced life, your feelings, crusty old makeup brushes:D Thats really awesome, makes me happy you shared that because tbose little things are big things when we are feeling down. And about the relationship, if it's a bit rocky then it takes courage to face that, to speak up and be honsst to yourself, to stand up for yourself instead of dust it under the rug you know? And that feels GOOD when youve been true to yourself. It foesnt matter if you can count on others, if you can count on yourself.

Reply
Blueberries1234's picture
[56150]
Nov 6

@cantletgo222 I love it here for that reason too. But for me, I grew up having a narcissist parent, so I have learned that if I can make my mother happy and not suicidal, I feel happier too. By helping others look on the bright side I tend to look on the bright side as a biproduct... so I actually need to help myself FIRST rather than help others, I need to give to myself directly rather than indirectly. To act from a place of intentionality, rather than reactivity/seeking to change another person's state and as a bonus change my own (fear response & codependency).

Reply

Login or Register

You are visiting Support Groups as an anonymous user.

Please consider joining our community and gain access to additional features by

registering or logging into your account