It's 8 days ... 8 days until a year since I left. I've been

ghostlyy's picture
[5500]

It's 8 days ... 8 days until a year since I left. I've been no contact since january 1st, but it was november 18th when I finally had my father come get me and my cat and my things. I am shocked at this... shocked by how much my life has changed, but oh-so-sad that I know I am nowhere near as healed as I'd hoped to be by this point. I have a new boyfriend who is amazing and supportive and understanding, I'm about to move into my own place, I have the best job I've ever had making decent money with great benefits, I have nearly 5k paid off on my car and less than that left, and I started a photography business the past couple months.

But the date crept up on me and stole my confidence for some reason. Seeing the reality that it's been a year... That it's been a year, not one hoovering message. It's still months now that he doesn't care, and even though I am happily involved elsewhere, it still stings to have that reminder that I meant nothing... I feel frustrated with my progress. I had hoped to be further along by now, even though when I look at the timeline of what I accomplished in the face of my mother's death and then leaving him after 9 years of abuse, I know that I've come very far. I know I've done well and I should be proud, but it's just never enough to please myself, and I'm starting to realize that my problems are my own and it's the way I think of myself and address myself internally that is the problem... But I cannot change that.

I've always known I was hard on myself. I've always known I expected more of myself than others did for themselves. I've always known I was different and that I had to prove myself. I strived to be the best in class, in gym, at everything, up until a certain age, where I got pregnant, dropped out, resorted to drugs, before I got clean and met my narc, who encouraged me to become an alcoholic and let my life fall apart for 9 years... And here I am, trying to pick up the pieces, but I can't forgive myself for my mistakes. I can't forgive myself for the way I treated my mom my entire life, and now she's dead. I can't forgive myself for sucking at the things I'm supposedly good at, for not being better, for not being smarter, more beautiful, more resourceful, just more, more, more.... And even though there's no more narc in my life to exacerbate my original feelings of inadequacy, I can't stop doing it to myself, but I have always been this way. It's most likely a reflection of the way I was raised, by an alcoholic father who was cold. It makes me sad that a year into my own healing, I've just now realizing that these problems won't fix themselves unless I can truly stop this negative diatribe inside my head. But I simply can't. I know I have worth, I believe it... But deep down, I know that I simply won't ever be as good as I want to be, and it kills me.

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CKBlossom's picture
[496240]
Nov 14

Sometimes you need to realize you have set an unattainable bar for yourself and recognize that being okay with where you are is necessary, you have come so far, celebrate this!

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[1540]
Nov 14

It sounds like you've made A lot of progress in the last year. Although you may not feel it, you should be proud at what you've accomplished so far.

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