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Reflecting, "hope" has always been the greatest evil in my l

Blueberries1234's picture

Reflecting, "hope" has always been the greatest evil in my life. People haven't taken my power away, theyve lied by omission but I did all the dirty work for them. I assumed they felt what I felt, I assumed they loved me without acknowledging that they never said those words even if they did cry. They became very logical and dissected. I should have known right then and there that everything was one sided, yet again. Yes again, I was unloved. And yet I resisted rejection, thinking no I felt something, no they love me even if they hesitate to say it. And I keep ignoring how people have treated me and how invisible I felt around them. And that should have been a hint they didnt /dont love me and never will. I need to accept this. The way those people treated me was never love. It was just them behaving in ways to con me into giving them what they wanted: my company, body, alleviate their boredom, emotional validation... whatever. But it was never love.

NowImNarcFree's picture
Sep 11

Blueberries, it sounds like you're regaining a lot of that power. I often felt like I just saw what I wanted to see in people and mentally corrected for their mistakes-- like when you read a sentence with a typo and your brain just fixes it so you don't notice. We naturally try to arrange things in a way that makes sense to us or makes living easier. I guess hoping for the best in people leaves us vulnerable to that pain and disappointment..
What would you look for in someone who does actually treat you well, or loves you in a healthy relationship? And when we see those things, how do you think we can tell when it's real and when it's our own wishful thinking? With the PTSD from my past, my counselor has cautioned me not to close myself off from the potential good relationships and that I still have to be vulnerable to have a connection with someone. Because I was so focused on protecting myself and never allowing myself to be hurt again. But that vulnerability has to be earned somehow, I'm not going to open myself up to being hurt by anyone, or letting it happen repeatedly once someone has already shown me who they are.

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Blueberries1234's picture
Sep 12

@NowImNarcFree Deep comment. I loved what you said about the automatic typo correction XD haha I do that all the friggin time, and I don't think most people do! That's definitely drawing light to our perfectionistic tendencies, and thinking that we can't expect that from others (i.e. keep expectations for others low), our tendencies to be agreeable, but critical of ourselves, forgiving others but thinking we can't get better... that we can't point out others flaws or ask them to correct it because "whats the point"/ "don't want to offend"/ "don't want to make them feel stupid". Im not saying this happens for you or others... but it really hit home for me because you can expand this process to literally all interactions I have. This need to withdraw, shrink myself, try to be invisible out of fear of offending or making the other feel "less than". So... we often settle for less or what we don't want like you said. Again, wow. What an amazing comment.

I think you're exactly right, it's completely reasonable to not reveal all to someone. But honestly, Ive revealed plenty to people and not regretted it, so long as you SEE the flaws of the other person. It's okay to open up as much or little as you like, if you know and trust yourself to cut off the people who feel like an "off" fit. The first sign of clinginess or aloofness, and instability, using me for "entertainment" when theyre bored... I now ask, "what are you doing to entertain ME?" We have to. It's your turn to be entertained, to be listened to, to be catered to. And if they cant then guess what? Goodbye. Im looking for empathy, look for someone who is interested in me and how I feel about different events. Observe, and see. We will get there:) Just chill and dont ever chase. Ive noticed I behave in erratic ways, impulsively. I feel clingy, I respond to texts right away... and thats WRONG. It doesnt give you time to process, think and respond without anxiety. All the good guys run, when you seem like the anxious chaser. Allowing people to chase me, hold myself on the pedestal and not the others and thats how we will remain balanced because we are tipped so far the other way as empaths. The narcissists have trained us to wothdraw and not take up space. We have to take up (what feels like) MORE space, not by talking but by putting our feelings and needs first.

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j2415p44's picture
Sep 13

Hello- Thank you for sharing.

Praying for you that things will go well and you will experience peace as you keep going each day.

God bless.


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