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My biggest fear is abandonment. I don't want to be in anyone

Blueberries1234's picture

My biggest fear is abandonment. I don't want to be in anyone's life anymore. Second fear is being made to choose between being abandoned or violated (emotionally or physically). Third pain point is being unable to stick to my own perspective (I can think 10 steps ahead always, to think of how others will respond to what I say or do, empathy on autopilot because I do not want to hurt the other person). I hate myself, for being unable to place blame on other people. So I give myself the permission to say the following: I hate my father, mother, most of my aunts, I hate society, I hate the messed up narcs running the government because humanity is built on shame and pride, which exist by comparison. And I feel I have the entire world figured out, I have one of the greatest secrets to life no joke but it doesnt matter because the world doesnt matter. The world does not matter, people don't matter, nothing people say to me matters, I don't care and yet I teeter on the edge of helplessness and total empowerment. Im on the edge of letting go, of the whole world. Killing myself is too much effort and probably pointless, so Im probably just going to wait until I can gp live alone far away from everyone and then maybe Ill accidentally die or simply be happy because there wont be any people to be a burden on. There will be no shame, because there will be no one who can judge me. The solution seems to be to be alone. Have a dog. Financial independenxe is my goal. No idea how.

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John2014's picture
Nov 8

My mom was abusive too but i realize now that it was only because my dad was being an A hole, its all his fault

Foundlove's picture
Nov 8

I used to have this f the world view also. I found peace with it though. People problems with me are their problems, not mine I’ve come to accept . My ex narc husband taught me how to be more like narc. I deserve things, deserve respect, I’m entitled to my opinions and what you say about me doesn’t matter. I don’t need to be angry all the time just bc someone said this of that. I find the joy in things and at end of day things bother me less now. At times I feel like this also where I wish I could just crawl away, and not have to deal with anything anymore. I hope you do achieve your goal of financial independence and have dog... do you mean you want to get dog or you already have one? Happiness is definitely not that you have to be with someone... I’ve been contemplating lately that maybe I’m happier single and shouldn’t bother to be with anyone

Nov 9

I would suggest you address the fear of abandonment. At some point after I left my ex narc I made a point to come to terms with my aloneness. We are all ultimately alone in life. It really always come back to that in sone way. But being alone is beautiful in so many ways. You find a way to forgive yourself, accept your flaws, embrace your vulnerability, love yourself, and be at peace when you are all alone. For me after I was alone for many years and I felt 100% okay with this...I found love again. I realize that if I lose this love I’ll still be okay.


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