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I am afraid of being a narcissist. Sometimes, people are tel

Blueberries1234's picture
[32940]

I am afraid of being a narcissist. Sometimes, people are telling me their story, if it's about toxic parents or something evil. I find myself smirking, because I SEE the manipulation. Not because I am enjoying it. But in my head I remember that narcissists smirk and wonder if I am secretly enjoying knowing something, and having an ego. Also, I had broken up with my new bf and then we had a conversation, and I was relieved to find out he wanted to he together and it was a misunderstanding. And I didnt feel bad for breaking ip with him at all. At all. I didnt have any empathy for him. I told him "Im sorry I broke up via text, I shouldnt have done that. I did it because I thought you didnt care. But Im trying not to smile because Im really happy that you still want to be together". So at least I didnt pretend right? I didnt have any empathy. Im all out. I dont have empathy. I SHOULD feel empathy right? But I dont. I basically feel like most people probably dont care about me so he probably wasnt hurt. Because why would he care about me. I feel like no one cares anyways and is indifferent towards me, so even if I cancel on them hanging out, I bet theyll be annoyed at havng to make other plans, but they wont miss me. Theres nothijg to miss. Even qhen people say they miss me, I feel like deep down they dont. They dont miss ME. They miss what I give them. Whether thats a break from their loneliness or boredom or emotional support. Not me.

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TreborH's picture
[8095]
Nov 8

@Blueberries1234, please also understand that you have been pushed emotionally very very hard, both happy and hurt. Now that you are back in normal land it’s going to feel like you are emotionally lame. Riding a motorcycle fast for months, getting on to a bicycle is going to feel really slow, and walking, well that is our normal and it feels like we going to take forever to get to our destination.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[32940]
Nov 8

@Ducktape I think you're right. But oddly I wonder too, Ive seen that they do experience other emotions, like happiness and stuff. In my experience. But happiness for themselves, or at the expense of others. Both my mom and ex laufhed when they watched comedy etc. but they did also experience grief, idk. Like you said it's a spectrum and we are all on that spectrum. Especially after experiencing their abuse I think we are left trying to find some sort of control in our lives, which may leave us with some narcissistic traits. But we can unlearn it. I think you're right about the borderline too, Ive met people with borderline who had shallow emotions though, but I think she was actually a narc... they feel fear very strongly. They say many cluster B experienced emotional or physical punishment a lot and so they understand the language of control. Why cant we all just be amoebas. Simple life!

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Blueberries1234's picture
[32940]
Nov 8

@TreborH YES. The fear threat is gone, but the brain is still looking for it in a state of alert. Your analogy is so good, thats exactly how it feels. Im walking slow and feeling like theres something missing.

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