So, another week comes to an end. Another week with no conve

Cucuboth's picture
[1585]

So, another week comes to an end. Another week with no conversation with anyone. My Mental Health Case Manager cancelled our appointment (for the second week in a row), and that was going to really be my only chance for a direct conversation this week. Another week of no connection. An emptiness of wanting to share, but not having anyone to share with. And of course, next Tuesday is Valentine's Day. I know some people just think of it as a 'hallmark holiday', but, when you've never had the chance to share it with anyone, it feels like it's a lot more than that. I suppose it's another day of the year that feels like it highlights that there is something wrong with you that everyone else can see, but you can't. You want to love. You're ready for love. But nobody wants it. Nobody wants YOUR love. Worse is when someone sends you a Valentine's e-card or something, not because they really mean it but because they think it will just be a nice thing to do. No. It's not. It just stokes that flickering light of hope, only to have it dashed out again because they didn't really mean it.

I'm rambling I know, but, I haven't said anything to anyone all week.

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Cucuboth's picture
[1585]
Feb 17

@kaamini Yes. I have love to give, but nobody wants it.

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[112015]
Feb 17

@Cucuboth love and friendships are always a step away... who makes the first move.

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Do you feel like you want to get to the bottom of this? Are you ready and willing to listen to what people have to say? Likely needing to unhinge yourself from all the abusive crap people have fed you in your life... The truth is, none of us on here know you in person so we can't debunk some of these things. You seem quite convinced everyone thinks you are unworthy and for specific reasons. You really want to be loved and feel wanted (don't we all!) The things we have been able to see (you appear intelligent, well spoken, your photo isn't ugly, etc.) aren't really helping with the actual issue at hand.

It seems to me there are only a few options to get to the solutions. Have you had anyone (professionals included) tell you the opposite of things you have said here (that you are not ugly, unlovable, etc?) If so, did you believe them to be telling the truth? If you did believe them then the answer has to be that you just haven't met the right people/person. The solution would be to meet as many people as you can (not easy when you have social anxiety I know, but that is on you whether you like it or not ~ been there). If you don't believe them or have never been reassured on these things in person, search yourself for why you can't SEE good in you (including appearance, etc.) or change you to be able to see good. We are are changeable... I can lose weight if I choose to, make it a point to do my hair, brush my teeth, put effort into my clothes, smile more, be kind to others, go out of my way to help others, etc etc etc.

I guess the last option is to do nothing but I'd hate to see you alone and feeling ugly, etc. when you don't have to be!

My guess (and it's just a guess - but based on figuring in some stuff ;) ) is that this all boils down to your self esteem. It sounds like you have had a cruddy past as far as people tearing your self esteem apart. Heck... even people who have others there to build your self esteem up sometimes end up with crappy self esteem!) There are ways to fix it but it takes hard work and the barriers are more for someone with social anxiety. You can do this though! Start to believe in you. Like what you see in the mirror. Don't use others as your compass because you can't be sure what they're thinking. Also, you aren't exactly inviting a bunch of people into your life when you don't like who you are (again, I know this from personal experience).

Sometimes I find I need to apologize after I reply to someone's post. Mostly for fear they aren't wanting to hear what I had to say. So I am sorry if anything I have said comes across as offensive. It is truly from the heart. I just know you aren't as bad as you believe others believe you are. And IF for some inexplicable reason you are (I really don't think this is the case)... it IS ALL CHANGEABLE with effort. So I guess now is the time when you find out how much you truly don't want to be alone ;) Being alone sucks but it does have some advantages... like feeling safe from possible judgement for example. I fully admit THAT is my issue (my social anxiety which keeps me quite isolated/safe but luckily for me I already met my partner before this kicked in full throttle). Could that be (a big) part of what is keeping you lonely?

No time to read over - hope it's understandable. Have a feel good about you day. One thing you KNOW you've got going for you and run with it.

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