It's almost 1am here, but I feel like I need to get out of h

Cucuboth's picture
[2670]

It's almost 1am here, but I feel like I need to get out of here. Of course there is nowhere to go though. But this loneliness is like a predator tonight. It feels like it is in every room, waiting in the shadows, in those dark corners. It doesn't need to grab me or catch me though. It just exists. We just exist. It's a fiend that lives while I do. It feasts on the unspoken conversations. It grows on the void where hugs and cuddles and kisses should be, where physical affection is now nothing but a broken dream. It laughs when I go out, for it knows I have no place to really go, no place to belong, no place to fit in, no place to feel safe, no place where I am wanted. It knows I will just come back here. Again, and again, and again. It is a palpable feeling, when I get home, drive in to the driveway, and I know what it waiting for me inside. I return to this cell. It giggles as I open the door, knowing that there has been another day of no conversation, no social contact, no touch. Just another day being avoided. Ignored. Or laughed at. "Who is the real monster?", it hisses at me. Who indeed? I look in a mirror and see something that nobody has ever wanted to touch. That nobody has ever tried to touch. A creature that has been thin and fit and fat, and called ugly at every turn. An alien that doesn't belong on this world. That isn't wanted. I look at my hands, and these hands that have ever felt another's hand holding them, at hands that have never held anyone, or been held. Hands that used to be held down, pinned to a desk and razor blades sliced across them, just to serve as their amusement. Because it was just me, and nobody cared. Not even the teacher who sat there, blind to what was happening only a meter or so away. "Ugly hands. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Nobody wants you. Nobody cares". Nobody did. Nobody does. Nobody will tomorrow. It will end the same way today has. Over and over and over again.

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[10]
Aug 19

Remember the movie "Fight Club"? I thought going to "support groups", even if you didn't have that, specifies, affliction, was a brilliant idea! I've never tried it, but I love knowing the option is always the Rest!

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@Cucuboth
Admitting your flaws and facing your true self are the first steps to self-improvement. It shows that you're strong because you're willing to accept change.

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Cucuboth's picture
[2670]
Aug 19

@LifesLostDreamer290 I know my flaws and limitations quite well. I know I'm not perfect, and that nobody else is either. There's no perfect person. Most people seem to think that there is, or that they are. But I've always been well aware of my flaws.

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