Trigger warning I have been in a pretty good place for at

Trigger warning

I have been in a pretty good place for at least a year now. There have been ups and downs, but overall I have not been overly depressed.

But the last week… not the case. I have been feeling off. I attributed it to someone I have been doing missionary work being a horrible human being. But that, and finding out my divorce that was supposed to FINALLY be over after years of waiting, is STILL no closer to being done. And then my boss facing bankruptcy, yet still not willing to take my advice (which worked in the past). And having t break it off with the guy I started seeing, because I found out my divorce is STILL not judged. Then my bunny almost died Friday.

Ugh It has been hard. But then Sunday, I was dragging, and it was literally all I could do to make it to church. I ditched choir practice and the performance, and I had to teach Sunday school still. I even asked my back up person if they could do it, They could not, which I totally understand.

Then our room was locked, and I found us a room, then everyone complained, and they found someone to open the room. All still thinks that I was trudging along with. Wanting to scream, but whatever.

Then when I got back to the room, as I left my things in the other room I found, there is a guy in the seat I teach from. I nicely asked him to move, he said no. I again explained I was teaching and he started laughing hysterically. And when I asked AGAIN he told me to go to the back of the room and teach, he liked the chair. I even told him at one point he could wheel the chair wherever, just move so I could teach.

LITTERALY this went on for over 10 minutes. Like I said I was in one of those all I can do is be here moods, and I decided not to physically remove him or start an argument before talking about Jesus. Seriously, were we not in church I would have either dragged him in the chair out of the room, or I would have started screaming at him. So I am a little proud of me for not losing it on this douche.

Then when I was teaching everyone was uncomfortable, after his confrontation with me, and the cl*** was dragging. Seriously, it was all I could do to keep teaching and not just walk out halfway through the lesson. After the cl***, I went to the last part of church, barely managed to drag through that, and then I went home, and wondered why I bothered to even drag my butt out.

Since the conflict, I have been gradually getting worse and worse, mood/ depression. Yesterday I dragged myself to work, and really did nothing all day. Today I am here, but still off.

Last night though I was not doing well. I started wondering why I even bother. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I do makes a difference. I work so hard to do what is right, but others still kick me just for fun.

I was already feeling bad, and then I had to see the should-be-ex. He was SOOOOOO annoying. He called before I left to go to his place. I had to make a stop, to get seeds. I get there, like an hour after we talked, and the SOB acts like he did not know I was coming! Then he is there with some guy, who I don’t know, and he acts like I am not there, and doesn’t want to introduce me!

He was getting an attitude with me, and I lost my temper at least 3 times before doing my treatment, which was why I was there, not just for the seeds for the farm we are starting. Then he got an attitude with me about using his tub (trying to be an *** in front of the guy), then when I was leaving he started an argument, because he wanted me to stay (was not ever gonna happen).

So WAY too much stress in my life. But all I can think is “What is the point. Why do I bother.”

I am nice, I do good, I help others. Yet everyone stresses me out. Not a single person make my day easier. Other than my daughter, not a single person cares about me, what I need, what I want, ect.

If they want something, they sure know how to call me, or contact me. But other than that nada. Oh, and I forgot the crazy guy stalking me and coming to my home and leaving gifts and lurking in my back yard looking through windows (Not the STBX this time, another one now too). Oh, and I was forced to take a day off as a punishment.

Non-stop BS. My daughter has been out of the house, but I know if she had been around I would have been even more in a funk. She, as a child doing what children do, is annoying. I think I would have been annoyed more.

I just feel like what is the point of this life? Everyone else has something I seem to not have. Everyone else seems to have either a family member they are close with, a great friend, a husband, a great job; SOOMETHING or SOMEONE that helps them deal with the drama and feel important. I feel like I have spent my life chasing some sort of validation that the world needs me or even wants me in it. I have a LOT of degrees, I have a lot of skills, I have a lot of talents. But none of it seems to be good enough.

I treat people the way I want to be treated, and they treat me like crap. I do something better than most, and yet there are people telling me I am not good enough just give up. I have a photography company, people want to tell me all the time I am not that good. OK, then why did you hire me seeing my portfolio? I win lots of awards, but people all the time tell me that I am not good. So which is it? Award winning or crap?

I make quilts, the quilting group I go to and the people I give quilts to never use or like them. Other people are shocked by the quilts, and make comments that I am talented, but the people who I want validation from NADA. Seriously, an original designed quilt I made was in a show. A little girl, and lots of people coming to the show said it was one of their favorites, but the judges said it was “shabby and poor quality”.

I recently ran the boutique at the Quilt show. I had to make everything myself, and only had 1 month, no experience. I made more than the raffle quilt, and the silent auction; yet everyone complained I made less than last year.

SERIOUSLY!!! What do I have to do to get what I deserve in life? A thank you, a that is awesome I like it. A you work your butt off! I get a lot from church people “We appreciate all you do” but it seems fake to me. I am not thinking of seriously offing myself, but I do feel like there is no point.

Nothing I do is good enough. I was a good person, and people have trapped me in marriages and treated me like crap for their amusement. I have degrees, accomplishments, and talents that most others do not, yet I can’t get a decent job. I am either too qualified or not good enough.

Tired of feeling stuck with no way out. I have felt this way my whole life, and now I have to live another 20-30 is years like this? For what? So that others feel OK? I should continue to survive and not thrive and feel like crap, because the people who make me feel like crap will be hurt?

I saw another post the person was complaining about how selfish her husband was for killing himself. But really? Who is the selfish one? The person who could not take another day of feeling like life has no meaning, or the person who wants him to stay alive so they feel better? If this had not been decades I have felt like there is no point, maybe I could say it gets better. But in my experience the short lived times that I was happy were only because I did not know what was being conspired on against me; or what made me happy was fake, and I just did not know yet. And those few moment s constitute maybe a month of my life combined.

I work myself to death, and past the point of exhaustion daily, only for it to be not good enough.

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CKBlossom's picture
[474710]
Apr 20

It is hard never feeling like what you are doing is enough, but honestly, it sounds like you are doing your utmost and I always think, if I judge my whole life on today and what I am feeling now, how do I know what will happen tomorrow or in the future, I want to see that. But that is me.

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CynicalYouniverse's picture
[1905]
Apr 20

Question one what is missionary work?
Question two, how did it feel to let all of this out? I think your to hard in yourself. You started off by saying how you've been great for a while- realize how that yaks lost if strength! Your a strong person. Life is a ride, just enjoy it. I've had times in my life where everything was going good and all of a sudden I hit a wall- that's part of life. Theses challenges slow us down and make us feel heavy, but in the end we pull through and are stronger than ever.

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[8620]
Apr 20

I am a missionary with my church.

I know I am a strong person. I felt good venting. But I am still in a funk.

I feel like I am tired of being strong and being constantly on guard.

I want to be able to not have to be the one doing everything to be told none of it is good enough; and that I should be better.

I want to just for a change not be so scared that I am not perfect, and that people will still love me.

I feel like people follow me around looking for what is not perfect just to drag me down.

I have never been able to make a mistake without fear of abandonment. The second I make a mistake, I am alone.

Every relationship if I have a bad day, I get left; or told I am not good enough.

I am almost 40, and never been able to let my guard down. The few times I did; people tuned my life or took advantage of me.

I feel exhausted living. I seriously feel like the only happy times are when I all alone. But I wish I had one real friend. Really sucks to always be alone.

Like I said my whole life has been like this. I am almost 40, and even as a kid I felt like this. It is soooo exhausting.

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