Constantly struggling. Constant pain. I don't want to have t

(16185)

Constantly struggling. Constant pain. I don't want to have to distract myself to 'feel okay' for a moment or pretend to be alright when I'm not when that's not going to change anything or help me in anyway.
What reason should i keep trying for? A chance to be okay? Not even a guarantee? Not even a most likely? A random f****** chance? I might as well have my fate decided by a game of Russian Roulette.
The more I try.... the more disappointed I am... the more I want to give up.
If I had a reason. Any reason, that would be nice.... but I don't.
So I guess I'll float away in the darkness of my mind.
People say I control my thoughts but I can't turn them off and stop thinking so how is that true? Well..... I could turn them off.... permanently but then people wouldn't be able to see me anymore.
Idk

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Scat's picture
(339855)
Feb 21

@Jordan5683, it was a total washout despite that I tried. But thank you for your wishes on my behalf. So, I was hoping you had a better day.

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(16185)
Feb 21

@Scat my day went by quick. It wasn't bad, better than some but here recently I've been constantly having indifferent thoughts about everything. Idk why I try so much to keep living in pain. I did start looking for a new therapist but I don't know who to try bc I feel like I can't be fix and that I'm never going to be truly better. Never going to experience happiness or love. Never going to be free of depression, anxiety, constant sadness. I can't stop worrying about my life never possibly being okay bc of the possibility of me having bipolar disorder. The more I read about treatments and people's stories the more my thoughts are reinforced that the world is filled with too many bad people doing bad things and that hardly anyone actually gets better from the things I have wrong with me. It makes being alive and trying feel pointless. I want to have a family one day but now can I ever take part in bringing kids into a world filled with horror and problems? Everything going on in the world makes me feel horrible and sick. Idk how or why I should keep going when everything is so f*****.

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Scat's picture
(339855)
Feb 21

@Jordan5683, That's a negative, but very honest outlook on the world. And I can't say I blame you for feeling that way. It's super discouraging. So I dunno. Maybe you need a break from thinking about it. Like a distraction. There are times for that now and then too. See, you're a lot like me in that you take life very seriously. Not everyone does. Some people prefer to cruise and just enjoy the view. I wish I could be one of them. So if you're super serious, sometimes you do need to just chill now and then because it's really exhausting. It's only a suggestion. And I could be wrong too. : ( I mean, I know right now you feel like you have to make up for lost time. But truly, you're so young. You do have time to go outdoors and look at a rose bud. I'm not trying to insult you honestly. I just know being serious can be so tiring.

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