Need to vent somewhere as I literally cannot talk to anyone

Need to vent somewhere as I literally cannot talk to anyone else. One parent always cuts me off and just wasn't understanding what I was trying to say, the other tells my business to people no matter how much I've asked them to leave it in the past, and my sibling freezes up when it comes to comfort.
My best and only friend passed away last year, I dropped out of college; not intentionally, I've just been genuinely lost in my direction. I regret my major; I love it, but not as a career, an associate's in it isn't impressive, and I don't think I'll find a job. My family and various tests I took tell me I should pursue the medical field l, but I don't want to. I'm leaning towards technology, but I doubt myself because I've always been bad at math and science. I don't feel smart enough to make a real living. I hate my current job; I never wanted it, but I needed the money. I feel it's stripped me of my identity (it's not who I am and it just feels like I'm wearing a costume). I'm lonely and I'm angry over my loss, but I'm trying to work on it. I nearly relapsed back into my self harm, but instead I snapped myself with a rubber band I couple times. I just want to get better, be happy for once. Be content in my job, social life, and myself. I've struggled with depression my whole life and only came out for a year before I went back in because of these events. I'm tired of feeling down all the time and having to repeatedly pick myself up every single day.

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ellie.d's picture
(3975)
Nov 24

@Fohb460 Hello and I have; I just want to be careful with the next move. Don't want to get stuck again and I want to make sure I like where I am: I don't want to get hired and quit immediately. I want to be committed until I hopefully finish schooling for my career. As for my depression, it's just the result of things. When I was younger I didn't know I had it; no one ever sat me down and said "hey, this is what's wrong with you," although they told me they were aware of it for a long time recently. So before it was due to me having no self esteem (I literally used to avoid mirrors), and when I finally gained that confidence that's when it disappeared. And now, it's because of my job. For a time it was also loneliness, but I've gotten back on 2 chatting/dating apps and it's honestly helped. Just having someone to talk to regularly again. I've also been playing games online as others' presence makes me feel better even if we're not talking. I took up drawing years ago as a deterrent as well and lately, I've been trying new or picking back up old hobbies.

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ellie.d's picture
(3975)
Nov 24

@Confusedbutstrong Thank you so much; that's very sweet of you. And Nursing was my first major, but truth be told, the entire time it felt like I was just following the masses and not actually interested in it. In class presentations, I began saying I wanted to be a nurse because my aunt was, but didn't actually mean it. Then came Psychology. I loved it and actually did copious amounts of research and knew exactly what I wanted to do and it felt so right, so I switched majors. But then, like I said, came the doubts and realization I wanted to keep it solely as a pass time. Lately I've been writing everything down and have actually learned some things about myself. And while I was trying to figure out a career path, I answered some questions about what classes I enjoyed in school and discovered they were computer classes, so that's where the technology thing came from. I'd like to look into it a bit more, and if it doesn't work out, I'll resort back to medical though I'm not ecstatic about it. But to end my rambling, yes I want to make sure I'm careful in my next move: finding a new job and major. As for the self harm, I've been doing well. Haven't hurt myself for 5 or 6 years, so I don't want to fall down again and lose all that progress.

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@ellie.d I love to hear how long you have been recovering and still doing an amazing job of handling the past with self harm! That is an amazing amount of time and I am proud of you! I had a sneaking suspicion it was nursing lol. If you want a fast way into computer-ing and make great money off the bat there are some basic coding classes and stuff that can land you a really great job without having to go full out in college. (my brother is doing that right now and I believe cobra is one that is well wanted from companies who need coders.) ((this is also if you enjoy coding which there are free online games to learn to code and coding academy was free at one point to test the waters too on that end.)) You having a nursing job as the first major really makes you going part time/PRN so much easier and at least would not have to be so knee deep in the medical field. Just the perfect amount of time to keep your money right so you can take steps to the true path you want. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you can check out the coding stuff since it is either free or inexpensive to learn and hopefully you will have fun with computer stuff!!

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