This week's Brilliant New Topic: Taking Care of our Mental and Physical Health during a Pandemic!

Have ideas for a new Blog, let us know!

https://www.supportgroups.com/blog/taking-care-of-our-mental-and-physica...

ARE YOU FOLLOWING US ON IG, PLEASE DO!!!
instagram.com/supportgroupsforeveryone

Warning : Long post ahead I met her when I joined coachin

Arora's picture
[3880]

Warning : Long post ahead

I met her when I joined coaching for MBBS entrance test... She sat next to me... I was so tense that day because that was my second drop year and I was trying and failing to prepare myself for the taunts that would come my way... I kept my head down until break when she said "hi".... I liked her and wanted her to be my friend... So, when she was absent, I got her assignments for her and gave her the next day... She was surprised and happy... That marks the beginning of our friendship... I was always in my own world except when she needed me... I was always there for her, atleast I think I did... I did my best to make sure she's not alone in any circumstances... She tested me once during that year about how much she means to me (she said so herself)... We both got MBBS in different colleges... I fell into depression during my second year... When I visited her during holidays, she made me promise that I wouldn't take medication... I stopped medicines (no one knew this... Absolutely none)... One night, I sent long msgs to her telling how much she means to me... I'm clingy during my episodes of depression even to this day... I don't know what happened... She freaked out... According to her replies, I thought she misunderstood me as a lesbian (I'm not)... She became distant until final year i.e. nearly 3 yrs... She suddenly called one day during summer holidays in our final year and apologized and wanted to meet... I didn't think twice before accepting... We became friends again... She said that what happened during our second year was bcs of her then toxic roommates and that she left them now... I was just happy that she's safe and that she still wanted to be my friend... I explained her my situation and she finally lifted the promise I made her and then I started medication... Internship completed and we joined the same coaching institute for pg entrance last year.... We took the same room in the hostel... It was all good at first but my depression made an appearance, a very big one... And then her boyfriend came to our city... I started noticing that she's becoming distant again... I thought it was to be expected after she saw how I got during my depression... She shifted to another hostel, telling that she didn't have money (she didn't... I know)... After that, it was almost like she has completely cut me off... I couldn't stay in hostel and came back home... After results, I called her, worried about how she is doing....and got to know that she was busy in hospital... Apparently, she joined job few days before and she's been searching for job since she moved hostels... I didn't have words... She was like a sister to me... I wanted us to face almost everything together... After years of ignored red flags, finally it entered my thick skull that I'm not half as important to her as she was to me... "No more", I thought... She called me after 2-3 months and was shouting about why I hadn't called her... She has the audacity to say that she expected me to call back like every other time... That was the first time I hated her... She's no longer my friend but I still keep in touch now and then like acquaintance...

I don't regret my decision... But I'm unable to get over the pain... Whoever said that losing a best friend hurts worser than breakup, they're right... I'm unable to even think of another friendship... I think I'm scarred for life... I have exam in a month... And I haven't started preparing yet... I'm not gonna get a pg this time either, I'm almost sure of it... I hate everyone but mostly I hate myself more... I don't know what to do...

show more ⇓
Comment
 11
View 8 More Comments
Arora's picture
[3880]
Oct 16

@kvolm2016 I too like to think that I have grown from this experience... But I'm also afraid that I'll be just as open towards the next friend as I was to her... That's how I've always been... I try my best to stay alert and on guard but one kind gesture from them and I'm done for.... I was never able to learn and I don't think I'll ever learn... I think all I can do is choose people wisely... But I don't have that gut instinct that will tell me who's good and who's not.... I mean to say that I'm very very bad at choosing people, if my past friendships are anything to go by... If I can't even choose friends, I'm terrified to think about choosing lover/life partner....

My depression is not continuous.... Even I have no idea how that is possible despite being a doctor... I stopped medication on advise in April.... And my mood started going down after a few months again.... I have been doing this cycle for five years and I'm tired of it... I want this time to be perfect and so I'm gathering information for now... And I'm also doing my best to keep my mood at subnormal level atleast... So far, I think I've managed okay... As for therapy, mental health is always a hush hush topic, even more in India... I did go to therapy, but it didn't work out... I'm also searching for good therapists... But didn't find anyone worthy yet... For now, this support groups is my therapist when ever I'm not able to manage...

show more ⇓
Reply
[10085]
Oct 17

@Arora glad to hear that the depression is not continuous, although I can understand that would come with it's own frustrations in trying to track it and figure it out. And I would presume you have done all the medical health checks to make sure that there is nothing medically contributing to the mood and energy cycles. Finding the right mix of medical and therapy interventions is an ongoing pursuit in my experience but worth the effort for the quality of life. I'm glad to hear that you are still in pursuit of a therapist despite the cultural stigma and also glad that this site is helpful to engage in the conversations with others. That is why we are all here!

Reply
Arora's picture
[3880]
Oct 18

@kvolm2016 yes. I had the health checkups done, multiple times. I wish there was a medical condition due to which I got depression. It'd be easier to treat that way. But I'm not that lucky. Thanks for asking though. Maybe I'll go for another health checkup again.

Reply

Login or Register

You are visiting Support Groups as an anonymous user.

Please consider joining our community and gain access to additional features by

registering or logging into your account