This week's Brilliant New Topic: It is Thanksgiving next week y'all, where has the year gone???
November 19th, 2020

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Long post ahead, sorry... Trivial things really... Things

Arora's picture
[4185]

Long post ahead, sorry...

Trivial things really... Things that are usually looked over... Things like... Like this morning, when my brother told my mom to 'stay silent' while he's talking, in that tone, that condescending (?) tone.... Like the way my bro and my dad tell me to 'do this, then do that' without actually explaining why I have to do that or even what it is that I'm going to do exactly...

Things like this afternoon when my bro said he has got some work in his laptop (actually mine but I knew when I was buying that he will be using it and I had to remind myself again and again to stay detached to it, just like the car... Mine in name only).... It's not his fault really... Some account got hacked it seems and he's got to do damage control... That's a valid reason right? But if it is so, why did I get this sudden pain, sudden disappointment, sudden remainder that nothing is really mine? He gave me back the laptop before going to sleep as he's got a headache... But I'm unable to even touch it... I just wasted the whole day today playing on my phone without watching class videos... And I lied to my mom that I have been studying until now... I hate lying... But I can't tell the truth... I tried to, I really did... Whenever I tried to tell the truth, she will get upset that I became like this because she lacked in her upbringing and she just stays in that self pity... I'll have to console her on top of consoling myself... Even though I feel like throwing everything within reach and shouting until I lose my voice...

Things like yesterday night, when I prepared schedule for studying but I couldn't sleep on my time bcs my brother was watching some horror movie on tv (no, there's no other room to sleep... I sleep in our hall on the couch, my mom on the floor in the same room)

Things like... Like when my mom just piles the pillows on top of my sleeping self bcs she has to broom the house early in the morning... The door will be wide open, and sunlight will be falling on my face... And the fan may be off sometimes (she stopped turning it off after years of whining from me)... I will be tossing and turning.... I can't sleep until 2 or 3 in the night.... Not bcs I don't want to but bcs I can't... U know that feeling when u are so tired that u will be asleep before ur head completely hits the pillow? I won't be able to sleep even if I'm that tired... My mom's theory is that I'm not waking up early bcs I'm not sleeping early -- intentionally

And then my "friends".... I don't even want to start about them... My one status on whatsapp, it's some quote, and I got back mockery.... Then there are some, who don't even msg me... Then there are some, who will msg each other and enjoy in group chat but disappear as soon as I put a msg in the same group chat...

Trivial... See? But, not to me... All these things feel like such huge problems.... So huge that they're crushing me under their weight... I feel like I'm caged... With chains on hands and feet... I feel suffocated... Everything about me is up for debate around here...by my own family... I never even step out of the house... Even before corona, I always stayed indoors to avoid conflict... I hate my life...

Sorry about the long post... I needed to vent... If u reached here, thank you soo much... I don't know how to thank you enough

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[6845]
Oct 31

@HopeandMoreHope Thank you from the bottom of my soul.....

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Arora's picture
[4185]
Nov 1

@HopeandMoreHope thank you so much... My prayers to you too

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Arora's picture
[4185]
Nov 1

@STANLEY065 thank you Stanley...

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