Gonna be fine, but I need some support. Had a couple of trig

Eyni's picture
[17710]

Gonna be fine, but I need some support. Had a couple of triggers today. One was from someone from my past who recently came back into my life and thinks I don't know that she uses me for things and is not a real friend. I try to remind myself that she is not a real friend. That is, she is a friendly acquaintance. I occasionally work with her and enjoy her conversation (and she is a good person), but I know that any compliments or random small gifts will always be followed by favor requests. Well, today I had to politely set a boundary with her. I can't continue to be used to my own detriment. I don't mind doing favors when it doesn't hurt me, but when it costs me money, I can't. I have no one else supporting me financially, it's just me . . . I don't know why it upsets me so much that she would think nothing of expecting me to put myself into financial hardship for a small personal gain on her part (she has full time job, a husband with a full time job, and family money). She knows my situation. I very gently and respectfully let her know I could not do what was being asked of me and why. What do I get in return? Silence. That's it.

I know I'm sensitive, but I just don't know why people treat me like my life and my worth are expendable and do not matter.

Next trigger (and I know it's a repeat offense but I swear I didn't go looking for it): The internet articles that say men my age do not want to date and have a longterm relationship with women my (their) age. I was looking for fitness articles for women my age and I clicked on a promising link that actually was an article that totally trashed women 40 and older. This article led to another and just . . . I don't know . . . I mean, even if it's true, I don't know why these male authors are so mean in their writing. It's all so hurtful. I can't find a single article on the internet that suggests men (even if they prefer the 20 year old) can still be attracted to women my age. I get it though . . . I mean, it's biology and programming.

I just feel like crap and hurt and lost. I feel like the person I was for the first 37 years of my life is dead and I'm just a ghost of something else. Sometimes I just want to run away and live in the woods . . . in a cabin with a really big library . . . that has moisture control atmosphere because you know . . . the mildew can be killer on paper.

On top of that, I got to suck it up and finish this paper that is due ASAP. Probably a good thing.

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Annabella825's picture
[2755]
Feb 17

I'm so sorry you're struggling with these things. Toxic people can be hard to let go of sometimes but they do more harm than good in our lives. If she was a real friend she would have responded that she understands and she shouldn't have asked in the first place. And I agree that authors can be a little more sensitive in their writing, they never know who will read their work and how it might effect them. I know if I was an author I wouldn't want to be the reason for anyone's pain. I'm here if you ever need to talk/vent!

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Eyni's picture
[17710]
Feb 17

Thank you @Annabella825
I appreciate your support. I know this woman is not a bad person, but I guess I've taught her she can treat me this way so I need to set boundaries from the start when meeting people and embrace the idea that I'm worth relationships in which I'm respected.

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Justyaaveraggurl's picture
[390]
Feb 20

@Eyni, good for you for making a decision to set boundaries. I know that wasn't easy especially when it's with someone that is close to us. It sounds like you like to read so I recommend a popular book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's a bit on the Christianity side but the principles taught for learning to set boundaries with toxic people in our life is highly recommended by both Christian and Secular Psychologist. I definitely know what it's like when those unexpected triggers come that leaves us feeling worthless and unwanted. When that happens to me, i try to focus on the positive in particular my identity, my value and worth as established by my faith. Sadly we live in a day that values the physical and material rather than things of more substance such as inner beauty, intellect and character. I'm learning to not internalize the rhetoric and opinions of this culture and instead pity them and hope that they will one day begin to move from frivolity and vanity to respect and love.

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