I don’t think I’ve ever put this down in one place. I’

I don’t think I’ve ever put this down in one place. I’ve recently gone through a break up and moved to live closer to family. I’m getting into my later thirties and, despite doing it numerous times, I’m dreading starting all over again in a new area of the country. I lived in my previous city for several year and had a couple relationships that didn’t really seem to go anywhere. I know relationships are a two-way street, but I feel I have the lion’s share of responsibility for the failures. I never got to a place that I felt I loved the other person and haven’t felt like I’ve been in a relationship where I’ve loved the other person for close to 10 years where I was the one dumped. I don’t know if I am still getting over that all these years on or if I’m just not a person capable of feeling love for someone else. I don’t write that to be dramatic or self-pitying. I legitimately don’t know if I am able to feel strong emotions, positive or negative. I briefly went to a therapist in my last city and received a cursory diagnosis of dysthymia or a persistent, low-grade depression. Apparently, most people assume it’s just a personality trait they possess, not a legitimate ailment. I’ve got all kinds of family trauma around trust and relationships that I’ll spare you all of as it is extensive and likely not unique. I’ve moved back in with family since moving to my new city with the idea that I will move out once I get a financial cushion together, but I don’t know anyone else here and I don’t know that I will meet anyone in the meantime. I feel the desire to be alone, but also an intense loneliness. I feel like moving here was just another of life’s failures and maybe it’s time to give up on trying to connect with someone new. I don’t have the energy I once did for it. I don’t know what I’m looking for out of this. I guess I’d like to know if anyone’s felt a persistent numbness that shut them down and how you got out of it, if you did.

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Oct 7, 2019

@LadyO hello

LadyO's picture
Oct 7, 2019

@Baron_Lee I feel I might owe you an apology - I never stopped to consider whether you are a male or female and I wrote as if you are a female - I would like to say I am sorry for that assumption - shame on me for not being a little more sensitive.

Oct 7, 2019

@LadyO I am a male, but you've nothing to be sorry about. Much of what you said is still applicable. I think there are fewer differences between genders than we like to admit sometimes.


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