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I can slowly feel myself becoming a person I thought I left

I can slowly feel myself becoming a person I thought I left behind a long time ago. Everything feels much colder and am much more guarded and generally I feel crueler with my thoughts and in my actions with other people. None quite so much as my partner. I know it is an attempt to protect myself but I can honestly say I don’t like the person I was and can feel myself turning back into. Between fighting my depression upping my meds getting my weekly group therapy and waiting for my one to one therapy to start I don’t have it in me to fight it. It feels like I am deadening all of my emotions and thoughts and shutting down. It’s getting harder to bring myself to care anything and I’m getting threw each day simply to get back to sleep. It’s like everything is tinted with apathy or bitterness and I never which one is going to show. I made the decision to stay after he cheated and to try and give us a chance. I know logically that there has been damage done and it will take a long time for us to build any kind of trust, I just worry that this coldness I’m feeling is going to be the new normal for me.

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[4830]
Sep 15

It is a horrible feeling i relate. I have found that exercise helps me even just 10 minutes of stretching gets me through and therapy having a place to vent. But it does seem so wild how something like Infidelity can cause so much trauma. My wife just said in marriage session it hurts her that she was a person early on that helped me smile more bring out a lighter side has now caused a darker side more BITTER than BETTER ( my words) and just not so happy. I do believe and hope a year after years after things will be better but its amazing the level of damage more a d more i feel easier to find peace and separate but i also know that my wife is not who should control my happiness thats all me so I am learning better self care. I def feel for you and praying for you

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[4190]
Sep 18

I am sorry you are in the midst of this healing process, it is so hard..... I will be praying that the days get better, that you are able to find one on one therapy that helps you release some of the emotions that are pulling you into that dark place. I know it's hard but make a daily attempt to find the light, even if it is for a short walk.. And remember, we are here to listen if you need to vent....

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[5190]
21 hours ago

I am so sorry you have gone thru that and understand the difficulty of the decision whether to stay or not. You are in control of your moods and actions even tho it is very hard. Choose to be kind, choose joy, choose love if you are staying. Forgiveness is a choice too but it takes time and there are bouts of anger and hurt coming back of course. Don't let yourself be a door mat, but also show grace to you and to others. Don't let him get away with treating you wrong, stand firm on your standards and calmly explain what you will not put up with. Maybe some time away, you can't control him either way but the truth comes out. Keep yourself busy with your life and bettering yourself so he has to chase after you, don't be needy or he will lose interest, but just do what you want and if he wants to come along, let him, but if not, continue being your best you. Sending you healing hugs! The best revenge is success! =)

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