Long post ahead... I always thought "deciding that my dream

Arora's picture
(4385)

Long post ahead...
I always thought "deciding that my dreamboy is just a fantasy which is not going to come true" is the reason for my depression... I was never able to find anything else and I was never able to see beyond the fact that I've been living in dreams since I was 14... But something never felt right... It always felt like I was missing some important thing... Something just beyond my reach... And that if I could reach it, I'll know exactly why I am depressed... Several reasons kept popping in my head but nothing stuck except that fantasy... It also never helped that I told different versions to different people depending on how much they needed to know... It was always a need to know basis... Recently, a new reason popped up but it didn't leave as fast as others... It happened in my psychiatry class...haha... My teacher was talking about homesickness and how it can be treated...and the difference between homesickness and depression... He didn't say it outright but I made a connection that untreated homesickness might lead to depression... And I think that was a big reason for my depression... First time away from home and in hostel... Different people and not a supportive friend group... And my parents not calling me everyday... And coming back home to see that it felt like someplace else bcs I couldn't see myself anywhere in my own home... And my mom who kept telling me - over and over - that she's coping by thinking that she married me off and sent me away... I think it all played a role... I remember thinking and feeling that I'm an orphan even though I have a family...and a loving one at that... I remember feeling that I have absolutely no reason to live... Bcs it looked like my family doesn't really care...and the one reason I thought I'll never lose - my fantasy guy - I lost him... I remember crying bcs I don't have anyone to turn to... I remember waking up and feeling----nothing... Reasonless, goal less, purpose less, etc etc... I remember thinking that I don't even have a single person on my side anymore...

Anyway, if I'm right and homesickness is what caused my depression, then being home should have cured it right? I have been home since Oct 2019 but I'm same as ever... Okay, not exactly, somethings improved and somethings worsened... But overall, I feel like I'm still stuck...and unable to see a way in which I want to walk... A way even remotely interesting... So I'm stuck again in my diagnosis... Why? Why me? What wrong did I do to suffer like this? Where have I gone wrong in the logic? What am I missing?

The questions keep coming and my answer? I have no idea

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 2
(128850)
Feb 24

Hello, are you a perfectionist?... Sometimes being a perfectionist gets in the way of life.

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Arora's picture
(4385)
Feb 26

Hahaha... A very good question... I do like perfection in several things... Orderly and straight.... Little mess and all... But that might be probably because during the "off-time"(time when I'm down in depression), I live in utter mess... If u r asking about my thoughts and all.... No... I'm not really a perfectionist... I do know that things go awry but I like to try my best before accepting defeat... I'd like to know that I have done everything in my power before giving up...unless I realise something/someone is toxic early on - in that case, all bets are off and I distance myself from them/that thing... I haven't been able to find the middle ground and stay cordial with such people/things yet

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