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Ok so I am so lost and depressed I don't even know where to

Ok so I am so lost and depressed I don't even know where to start and I've tried typing this three times just to erase it because it was so long and I feel like I can't even say what I think or how I feel without thinking it's stupid or I'm being too sensitive or I'm crazy. I hear it so much that I'm really at the lowest emotionally and mentally anymore. I feel broken. But I know I'm not this person before I met my husband. I was mostly happy and worked and was outgoing and really enjoyed life as a single mom of two daughters. Now I've been with him almost five years and we had a son and I don't even know what has happened or even recognize myself anymore. He has gotten me to where I don't know if I'm crazy or not. These years with him I have quit working because he said day care was expensive and he wanted our son to be with parents not strangers which I agreed with and was happy to finally be able to stay home with my kids. Well then he started saying I was sleeping with this guy or that one while he was working. Well of course I wasn't I'm home with three kids and we just moved and I've never cheated on anyone ever. It really hurt to think he would say that or think it and I was telling him I would never and reassuring him and crying. It was a mess. But he kept it up for hours and the next day he said he was kidding and I was too sensitive because it was just words and words mean nothing. I was pissed and hurt and he said I just need to get over it and quit being so crazy. Well we've had that same argument about 1000 times thru the years and he'll say women are cheaters in front of my girls or woman are evil is a favorite of his. I told him he's going to make them think like that too when they are grown up and he doesn't ever stop. So anyway I have no friends not one and no family outside of him and the three kids. I just stopped going anywhere or seeing anyone so maybe he would then see that I was loyal and faithful so we could move past that. I am a hermit pretty much now. The past year or so he has started making little"jokes" about me saying o your mom is crazy or don't listen to her she's just trying to control everything or just picking at every little thing for days while I bite my tongue so we don't fight again but eventually I usually cry and he just laughs or makes jokes like it's not real and says I really have a mental problem cause I'm just making stuff up. I know I'm not at all but he twists and spins it all around to where I get so worked up and confused that I feel like I'm going to break and he almost looks like he's like happy or something when it's going on and I think he's enjoying seeing me breakdown. I try to tell him when it's calm that he's really affecting me mentally and I feel like I don't even have a place or say in this family because he will go behind me and tell the kids that they do what they want mom's just trying to control you. He has the money since he works and he keeps control of that. I haven't held money or a card in three years. He say he makes it so he's the head of the family and is the important one. Without him it would all fall apart without me it would be fine since I just stay home all day. I have tried and tried to make this better or to let him see his words really are breaking me down and I can't even do anything without worrying if I did it right or second guessing everything I do with the kids and him because I don't know what if I'm going to hear one of his little put downs and I can't take anymore. Today I realized I think he's doing it for fun and it's not going to change. I was googling self help tips today and found stuff talking about narcissistic and gaslighting today and I think that's what is happening but I don't know for sure. He does show and do most of the symptoms and traits. I am so hollow and empty feeling I don't know what to do don't want to feel like this

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[2475]
Feb 17

@dtay haha nice!
I usually spent whatever on food or on my daughter. So glad I have a job and don't have to ask for stuff anymore!

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dtay's picture
[8065]
Feb 17

@Feelingstuck421 Me too! I don't have that voice, 'you shouda, coulda, I woulda' in your ear. Nothing I ever did or bought was right, but we know better now.

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kelly72's picture
[62095]
Feb 18

@Feelingstuck421 In response to your MIL wanting you to help him change...first, that's unfair to you. He's had opportunity to change. I believe in God's power but I also know narcs and they don't want to change nor do they think they need to. Second, I wish I could play a tape on here of what my pastor said when I left the abusive relationship. It was quite in the victim's favor. It was years ago but I remember him saying that staying in an abusive relationship was allowing more of the devil's favor than God's and he didn't mean it in a derogatory way. He meant that allowing an evil and selfish spirited man (or woman) to continue squashing your mind, body and spirit was not allowing the real intention of what God wants to come into the home. He also told us that God wouldn't punish us for having a broken home but He would be very sad that we didn't call upon His intervention to seize opportunities he put in front of us to better ourselves. I truly know that when I escaped my narc that divine intervention allowed it. Never ever would there have been a 2 day window of opportunity for me to escape and do all the things I needed to do before he returned so he could be served the EPO by the law if not for God. My narc was suffocating and I never had a moment alone. There were times I felt I couldn't even go to the bathroom in peace, not kidding. So I know that God answered my prayer in putting me in a situation that allowed for that. I had to grab it and run. Finally, while still there you are wise to grey rock. It does subdue it a bit. You'll probably see a few tantrums here and there because he's not getting the negative attention he craves but stick with the dull atmosphere for survival. I got to the place where I didn't respond or react to his garbage. I didn't even know what a narc was then but I knew he was getting off on it. I could see a sparkle in his eye when he was really angry as though it actually made him happy. It was sick. I was just done with him. The duller I got, the more I began to get back to the real me and I stopped allowing him to squash me. It made him mad that I was being myself, he was actually mad that I was happy, that's a pretty sick narc! He was losing control. I was also very sad, very depressed and quite squashed but the happy part of me was knowing that I realized what had happened to me and I was getting out, it gave me hope. I started quietly scheming. Every time he picked a fight, provoked reaction from me, threw a tantrum or started his stupid silent treatment, I just ignored it as much as possible and used the silent time as a welcome moment to think about WTH I was going to do to get out and how to keep rid of him for good. I knew that when I disposed of him I wanted a clean break, no contact and I knew that he wouldn't leave MY home and I'd have to involve the law. I prayed, I thought, I schemed and I had little stashes of $ around; I was ready, I just had to be brave enough to take the opportunity even though I knew it would be h*ll on earth to go through. But I told myself through those last few weeks that I would just get through it and never look back and that the sooner I got it started, the sooner it would be over. I knew if I tried to throw him out that he'd never leave and always harass me. I hate that he was so mean and abusive toward me but in the end it was what actually saved me because the protection order was granted due to that. That's hard to process still but so true. You will make it on your own and having kids does complicate it more but at least you know you do not have to live in that toxic environment. May God be with you and guide you. Love and prayers.

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