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Haven't visited here in a while. Just figured I'd come back

JSSS's picture
[1900]

Haven't visited here in a while. Just figured I'd come back and get stuff off my chest. I feel like I'm in such a world of hurt, and I don't even know why. I don't mean in trouble legally or anything like that, just hurting really bad and feeling horribly depressed. I'm depressed to the point that I don't even want to get out of bed. I struggle to focus on working, big time. My mind just wanders and says all kinds of negative things about myself.

For those who may not recall, I'm in the middle of going through a divorce that I did not want. I've come to grips with the fact that the divorce is happening and I've emotionally let my stbx go (at least I think I have), but the whole thing has really rocked my world. I just feel like I'm shattered into a million pieces and I don't know how or where to start picking those pieces up. We were married over 20 years and have 3 kids together...the oldest is 16 and we have 13 year old twins.

I'm starting to move my life forward. I'm moving out of the house next weekend and into a rental house that's less than 15 minutes away. I've already started moving things into the rental and stbx and I have gone through the house and divided things up. I would think and hope that being able to move out and get out of this very uncomfortable and awkward situation where I'm still living with stbx would cheer me up, but it's not. I don't feel any sense of joy, no sense of excitement. Just feel blah, and even feel some (OK, a lot) of apprehension about living alone. The kids are staying with stbx, but will come visit me or stay with me some, and I think that's the best thing for them. I'm not a strong enough person right now to be able to have custody of the kids. I'm just too depressed, too sad, too overwhelmed.

I just don't know why I feel this way. The divorce is happening, I've come to terms with it. I'm OK with it. I'm moving out of this house, which is a good thing. I've got 3 kids who still love me, which is a good thing. I've got a good job (as long as I don't screw it up by not being as on point as I need to be). I should...key word being "should"...be able to start picking up my shattered pieces and putting my life back together. So then why the hell can't I??? Why do I feel so miserable and sad? Like I want to do nothing but hide under a rock somewhere and stay there for months? I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't even want to talk to my kids too much, I'm just so miserable. As you can tell, I'm frustrated with myself. What on earth is wrong with me? I need to get on with my life and be happy. But I can't even start with the first baby step. Sigh... Sorry for the long ramble, no need to answer or respond if you don't want to. I'm writing this stuff all down almost as a journal, to get it out of my head (and into the public internet, LOL).

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beth65's picture
[34815]
Aug 13

@Mick77 you must be smart with math and numbers. Are you working remotely now? Seems if you can work remotely maybe all that travel isn't necessary?

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Mick77's picture
[3655]
Aug 13

I try to be, but believe it or not it takes a proficiency in writing to narrate what those numbers mean. They’ve had us working remotely since St. Patrick’s day, it’s like groundhogs day here. The travel is a double edged sword. They pay you additional to travel and I could sure use that little extra when I don’t have the kids to help offset the ridiculous undeserved amount of money I’m about to start paying.

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Kyleah's picture
[10760]
Aug 13

Keep the journaling coming. I know for me it has been incredibly helpful to get it out and to have people comment.

I miss my male friends. I lost all of them when I got married. My husband was a "guy's guy" which didn't actually fit with most of my friends. I can tell you that I certainly am not looking for that in the future.

We all have culpability in the failures of our marriages. While I found out my husband was a serial cheater, turning to other women was a response to him not feeling love from me. He's not wrong, I wasn't loving toward him. There were reasons, many of which related to him, but that doesn't eliminate that I didn't address those issues.

Find a way to set up some set times you can see your children and make them as much a part of your life as possible. You may not feel you were a good father in the past, but you can make changes now. This separation allows you to have more one-on-one time with them. Setting up special things they do with you.

In my short foray into dating, I realized that I need to really focus on myself first. The main thing is getting physically fit and healthy. I don't feel confident enough to garner the caliber of person I'm seeking. So many people are hiking, biking, skiing, etc. and right now I wouldn't be able to keep up. So, I'll spend this Fall getting this mom-bod into a hot-bod. I figure that will take up most of my free time for now...got a lot of work to do.

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