Okay this is going to be long as I have not posted in quite
Okay this is going to be long as I have not posted in quite sometime and a lot has occurred. So the ex and i have went from being civil to barely able to communicate. This us due to the fact that I am still emotionally attached and he just turned into a man that just drools over every female that walks by. He was never like this. He now has to make references about most females and their assests and how he wants to have sex with them. He smokes now and drinks which he was so against before. He admitted to having sex with a 23 year old and he continues to have sex with her and he occasionally has sex with me. This all hurts of course but to me the worst part is i found 2 disneyland tickets one with his name and one with the 21 y/o he was cheating on me with. I feel betrayed all over again. Yes we aren't in a relationship but he was done with that and he said he wanted nothing to do with that past and he made a mistake. And i feel like when i accepted him back after this 2nd affairn it all meant nothing. He never loved me a d never felt truly sorry for what he did. And since he never stays home anymore i am hurt that he is probably over her house but its sad because he has his pock of all these women. I can't compare. O feel disgusting like the old couch potato wife. I hurt he makes me sound so boring. Unattractive. I had a child. These girls have not. How am i suppose to keep up with the competition. I feel all the feelings i did when i was trying to get over all this. I found her hair in the car today. He had picked it off his beard. I'm hurt. I want to cut all ties with him and communicate via a third party about our child. I'm tired. I'm so hurt. But i still love him. When i fohnd the tickets i called him and told him i was done speaking to him but he talked his way into my geart again. And he didn't promise me anything he just knows i still care and he talked about how he still cares for me that is why he hasn't filed and whatnot. Because he is waiting for me. He says I'm lucky. I don't know. I'm lost and hurt and I feel so broken. I'm stupid i know. I still give into everything he wants money, sex, whatever. I have never been this person but i feel he has defined my worth and now i can only accept it.
@me13 I really feel your son will follow the higher path if you show him it. Right now your ex is showing ever sign of an emotional abuser. He has disregarded everyone of your feelings, taunted you, triangulated you multiple times and is still using you when it suits him. This is just so yuck. That you could be will to give your heart and he betrays you like that.
All of that being said you sound well on your way to better things. It will be slow but for your sake and your sons it is well worth it. I think most of the reason you feel stuck is that you haven't really had time for you. The time you are alone sounds like its filled with torment around your relationship. I would love it if you knew that you are really important, and very worth while. Time spent on you feeling good about you, and time spent showing your son how much you love him will really grow your strength. Your story is heartbreaking right now, but it could be inspirational in a year or so. Your son will natural gravitate to that. Best wishes *hugs*
@me13 Be kind and gentle with yourself. You're not stupid or worthless. You deserve to be happy. Like many of us who love the wrong people for the wrong reasons, you blame yourself, but it sounds like you put in the effort. There are just some people out there who are emotionally unavailable and they attract people like us who give everything... It's really no one's fault. Don't beat yourself up. Sure, you made some poor choices, but instead of having a pity party and berating yourself, learn from the experience. Focus on learning how to have a healthy life so your son has a better chance of having a happy, healthy life with or without a significant other.
@me13 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and courage to know the difference.