This week's Topic: Giving yourself permission to be imperfect!!!

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Sorry guys, this is the longest post I have ever made on her

Sorry guys, this is the longest post I have ever made on here. I am really hurting though

Okay, as many of you know. I am 16 months divorced and have been in a relationship for the last 11 months. Starting last night is the first time since we started dating where I am literally ready to throw in the towel. She told me last night that she could never see herself, my son and myself living living together. Literally not even willing to give it a chance.

That was extremely hurtful for me, but she said she still loves me and wants to continue what we have been doing. Maybe when my son is done with school, we can move in together. That is 6 and a 1/2 years at a minimum. That isn't going to work for me, and it was eye opening to me.

I have very quiet about her situation, but now is the time to bring it to the surface. She has 3 kids. A 27 year old son, a 19 year old daughter and a 17 year old son. Two of which don't speak with her, and the 27 year old lives in Colorado. They supposedly don't speak to her, because they blame her for the divorce. Her ex husband cheated on her, and she tried to make it work for 10 years and just couldn't do it. Her daughter and son haven't spoke with her for more than a year.

This very important part to understand. I stay at her place every night I do not have my son. Every night I am with my son we (my son and I) stay at my apartment. It has been working for the last 6 months. December 19th was our last alone night we had until last night. Last night sucked, because we just weren't on the same page. So that definitely was not quality time.

Please keep in mind the holiday season, and not talking to her kids is playing a huge role. I am not needy, and I am not pushy. I do however like a little quality time with my girlfriend

Have son - December 20th -24th

Time with my girlfriend - Dec 25th - 29th

Have son - Dec 30th and 31st
Time with my Girlfriend - Jan 1st and 2nd

Have Son - Jan 3rd-8th

(Have Son) December 23rd - She came to my brother for Christmas and left at 9:30PM

(Have son) December 24 - We went to my cousins for Christmas, she left around 10PM

(Girlfriend Time) December 25th - Opened our gifts to each other and went to her sisters for Christmas. Did not have any one on one time as her son and son wife were staying with her till Jan 1st

Girlfriend Time - Dec 26th... I come down with influenza A

Girlfriend Time - Dec 27... still sick and going on two straight days of being on my bed

Girlfriend Time - Dec 28th... I am still sick, but my fever broke Thursday night. I make an effort to see her, but I struggled all night to function.

Girlfriend Time - Dec 29... She wants to go over to her sisters again, but her sister didn't want me to come because of my sickness. Another night all by myself.

Son Time - Dec 30th... Spend the day with my son, but it was low key. I still was sick.

Son Time - Dec 31... First Day I felt "ok" again. Have some fun around town. Played some putt putt, had some lunch and dinner together. He got invited to stay with a friend, so he spent NYE over there spending the night. I told my girlfriend, "Hey, my son is staying the night at a friends house. We should do something together for New Years!" She says "You should go to your friends, we are at my sisters again. You will have more fun there." (Red flag number 1). I went to my friends, and all was good... but not really

Girlfriend Time - Jan 1st... She says she wants to relax and do nothing for a while. (Red Flag 2) Her son and daughter in law just left. I said, "That's fine, what do you think will be a good time?" She says, "Let's take the dogs for a walk at 3:30?" (Red Flag 3) I say "Sure"

I showed up we went for the walk and that is when I found out, she could never live with my son and I. She wants to keep going the 5 days off and on. Limit our time together when I have my son (Red flag 4)

I said look if you want to be with me we are a package deal. He is part of my life. She said "That is fine, but I just want our relationship to be separate for the most part. I say "So you expect me to do this for the next 6 and 1/2 years?" She says "That is up to you? (Selfish Comment IMO)"

We talk a little more about us the rest of yesterday, and it ended with her saying "I love you, and I really do care about you". This all after I gave her the "Relationships take sacrifices, and what all this is telling me is I'm not worth it to you" There is way more we talked about, but I think I am going to run out of character space soon.

Girlfriend Time - Today Jan 2nd... She tells her sister she will watch her 4 and 7 year old kids tonight. (Red Flag 5) She asked me if I wanted to come over and help... I couldn't help it, I had had enough. I hadn't had quality 1 on 1 time with her since Dec 19th! I sent her this text. I feel like priority 17 to her right now!

Here is the text

"Here is how I am feeling...

My top love languages

1. Physical Touch
2. Quality Time

Your top love languages

1. Quality Time
2. Words of Affirmation

I haven't got to spend any quality time with you since December 19th, I have yesterday and today without my son. Then I have him for 5 straight days, and it will be January 8th (20 days) before I have a "chance" at being with you again for quality time together.

Look, I love your Neice and Nephew, and I like hanging out with them. The only issue I have is, you had to plan for this today? As of yesterday I thought your day was going to consist of, friends day bar drinking and crossfit. I am okay with the Neice and Nephew being there, but I feel they are a filter this time.

It just feels like you don't want to spend time with "me" anymore. Am I crazy for thinking like that?"

Her response was what I call taking the easy way out...

I'm sorry you feel that way, my sister texted me while I was out to ask if I could babysit so I wasn't trying to babysit
Things have come up recently, which have caused a reduced amount of time being available, however I work around your time schedule all the time I believe, so I understand that can be frustrating.

Like I said, no worries, I didn't expect you to do anything.

Enjoy your evening :).

Look I know I am being kinda of needy here, but I do love this woman! I have my son for the next 5 days, and as you heard in the beginning she wants to keep that time separate. I am just hurt, because I just don't get why she didn't want to see me tonight with just me?

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Iristoiris's picture
Jan 6

@Doogas2008 You are welcome - you are pouring your heart out here and it shows!

Jan 6

@Doogas2008 Regarding your comment, "My ex wife expected things from me, so I never wanted to give her my all. It is all about the connection imo..." Did you feel your ex wanted to change you? I think this is a common problem in relationships and marriage. I always told my children when they were teens, that if they can't be with a person, how they are at the beginning, it is a waste to think we can change them. So be sure they can accept the person they're with how they actually are. And if that person won't or cannot meet their criteria, already, without a bunch of therapy or whatever, then maybe that person isn't right for them. Maybe that's why none of my grown children have married yet and I'm still waiting for my grandchildren before I die.

Doogas2008's picture
Jan 6


That is a real long story. I am going keep it a short as I can...

I was young and blinded and confused on what I wanted in life. When I met her, I was physically attracted to her. I have never been a fan of meeting a bunch of new women. She wanted to be with me, and it showed. She was always the jealous type, and tried to tell me who I could and couldn't talk to. I always stood my ground on that, and said if you can't trust me then what are you doing with me.

4 years pass and she gave me an ultimatum. Either I propose to her by her birthday, or we were done. Well I didn't like that, and I decided to see if she truly loved me. I decided to not propose to her by her birthday, but have the ring ready if she still stays with me if I didn't. Well she did stay with me, and we got married.

I've talked to my therapist about this on multiple occasions, but I never knew why I married her to begin with. It turns out, it was because she knew my father before he died, and was with me through my mother death as well. When ever there was a problem in our relatithat ship, she would put the blame on me. I always felt like wasn't good enough for her. I would make a mistake, and 2 years later I would still hear about those mistakes. So in a sense she wanted me to change, but it was more of a never accepting her part in our failing relationship that made me not be able to love her fully

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