I dont know what triggered me to have these thoughts, its sc

I dont know what triggered me to have these thoughts, its scarey because in that point of time all i felt was emptiness and i didnt occur to me until the damadge was done. I feel like a disgrace... because i finally gave in. I hadnt given in for months up until now. I feel like ive lost myself. Im drowning and even when i wave my hands in the air for help no one comes to save me. I cant save myself, a part of me wants to live but another part of me is telling me to give up and do everyone a favour. Besides if someone did bother to see my struggle to keep above the water, id probablly just drag them down with me. Looking back on my recent school photos i came to realise how much that wasnt me. Straight hair, layers of makeup and a small smile on my face. I dont have straight hair and i seem to think all this makeup will cover up my flaws. Boy, i was wrong. Thats not me. Thats not brooke. On top of that, im starting to feel attractive to girls (same sex as me). I feel like i cant even open up to anyone anymore, not even my family as they are christian and they see suicide as a sin and bisexual, gay and lesbian a sin too. I see things different. The way i see it is... if you die of suicide, its because the pain was too **** much and even if there are other options rather than suicide... theres always going to be some kind of thought in that mind of yours to make you look past all those other options and only see suicide as one. On top of that, bullying. Some people might even tell you to commit, i know, i know... dont let what others say get to you but everyones different... everyones reacts differently to different things. Suicide is not a sin, making someone feel as bad as they do to make them believe that suicde is the only option is a sin. Bullying is a sin. And on sexuality..
Thats not a sin. How is it? How is it a sin to love who you want to? Sometimes, i dont get how this world works... where is our humanity?

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norseduncan's picture
[84030]
Apr 26

I hear you. I don't see anything wrong with being attracted to who you are attracted to. I myself am not a Christian, and I have no concept of sin. I do think that suicide is a mistake. bullies can be endured (I have endured my share) and the things that seem to be leading you to that choice will not last, especially if you handle them correctly. what speaks to me in what you wrote is your self esteem, which does not seem strong. I think if you work on accepting yourself as you are, in all the ways that you are, things will improve for you. love who you want to love, but start with yourself. ok? :-)

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[50]
Apr 26

You are important. You are loved. You are good enough. I am so sorry you are facing this, the impact our mind and thoughts can have on us is amazing, and scary at times. When we are in a dark place, where we feel like we are drowning, it is almost impossible to see the light, even just a sliver of hope seems unreachable. I am not sure of your age, but many of the feelings you are feeling are common especially in today’s culture of social media overload. We try to be someone we are not in order to conform, to appear to “fit in”. (Common, but not healthy) And some of the feeling you are facing are scary. Your life is valuable beyond measure, to more people than you know, I promise. Please, find someone you can talk to, someone you can trust, if that is not possible get in touch with the suicide lifeline, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ As a parent, I can tell you that you are loved and treasured by your parents. Sometimes the darkness so overshadows this love, that it becomes difficult to see, to recognize, to know that they will love you no matter what. I will be praying for you. And remember, You are important. You are loved. You are good enough.

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Oceanblueeyes's picture
[255]
May 19

I was raised with enough guilt to start my own religion. Thankfully I got over that. Christians are the worst when it comes to sexuality! It will never be accepted by them, you have to go find your support elsewhere. Don't beat yourself up about it, you are perfect and whole just the way you are. There is nothing wrong with you. Learn to love yourself and don't let them make you feel ashamed of who you are. Christians are really good at judging people, especially their own family. Get away from them as soon as you have the chance and go make your life. You will find support, but I'm afraid you will have to take the risk of letting go of your past life and moving on. There is hope on the other side. I crossed it 20 years ago and have created my own tribe of people who share my vibe. Your tribe is out there waiting for you too.

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