I guess this is how you start. You find your way here. You

I guess this is how you start. You find your way here. You set up a throwaway email account because you don't know what kind of paper trail is being left behind and you make your first post.

My wife and I started dating in high school. After 22 years of marriage and 3 kids (including a toddler) we've ended up here. A year and a half ago, I started sporadically writing things down that happened because I felt like I couldn't trust my own memory of events and I couldn't get my head around her incendiary behavior. And for 20 + years my wife counted on my poor memory and her reshaping of events to sweep her behavior and hypocrisies under the rug. She uses verbal abuse and bully tactics to manipulate those around her and shape the record to suit her. She refuses to go to counseling with me bc she doesn't want a third party to validate the fact that her behavior can be so bad. But she says that it's bc there is no point with me.

But I love my children and I adore my toddler daughter. I sought out a counselor when the suicidal thoughts became too frequent. That counselor helped me find perspective to quiet those thoughts, but that's about it. I stopped going bc it felt whiney and nonproductive.

After years of her threatening divorce, I'm ready to stop fighting it. Fighting off divorce has taken such a toll on me. But I want to be smart about it. I want to be my own advocate with the goal of having the best possible relationship with my kids that can be mustered. I'm done with the fallacy that you have to stay in your marriage for the good of the children, but there's the anxiety of what happens next to my daughter. That is a powerful motivator.

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Jun 22

@Shockedsahm I see it now, just a delay in the site. Thanks for the support :)

Paul43's picture
Jun 22

Good for you for taking the first step. Don't falter at the finish line. She will manipulate you anyway she knows how (and trust me, she will use things that you would have sworn your wife, your children's mother, your friend, your confidant would never use! She might cry, beg, smile and look at you the way she did when you were young and devoted to eachother. Be smart. Don't budge when it comes to your kids. Don't flinch when she cries poverty and YOU are her savior! If you are lucky, you will get out with your kids and not hating women. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE women. I just don't love them anymore. If you are divorcing, you don't owe her anything because she will take everything you concede. Good luck, sir.

2 hours ago

@Paul43 For now, I don't think about what the manipulations will be when our divorce goes from being her threat to our reality. It's overwhelming to think about. But fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of alienation is how I got to here. So preparedness is becoming my guiding light. It's become my moonlighting job.


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