I guess this is how you start. You find your way here. You

I guess this is how you start. You find your way here. You set up a throwaway email account because you don't know what kind of paper trail is being left behind and you make your first post.

My wife and I started dating in high school. After 22 years of marriage and 3 kids (including a toddler) we've ended up here. A year and a half ago, I started sporadically writing things down that happened because I felt like I couldn't trust my own memory of events and I couldn't get my head around her incendiary behavior. And for 20 + years my wife counted on my poor memory and her reshaping of events to sweep her behavior and hypocrisies under the rug. She uses verbal abuse and bully tactics to manipulate those around her and shape the record to suit her. She refuses to go to counseling with me bc she doesn't want a third party to validate the fact that her behavior can be so bad. But she says that it's bc there is no point with me.

But I love my children and I adore my toddler daughter. I sought out a counselor when the suicidal thoughts became too frequent. That counselor helped me find perspective to quiet those thoughts, but that's about it. I stopped going bc it felt whiney and nonproductive.

After years of her threatening divorce, I'm ready to stop fighting it. Fighting off divorce has taken such a toll on me. But I want to be smart about it. I want to be my own advocate with the goal of having the best possible relationship with my kids that can be mustered. I'm done with the fallacy that you have to stay in your marriage for the good of the children, but there's the anxiety of what happens next to my daughter. That is a powerful motivator.

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[1630]
Jun 23

@Paul43 For now, I don't think about what the manipulations will be when our divorce goes from being her threat to our reality. It's overwhelming to think about. But fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of alienation is how I got to here. So preparedness is becoming my guiding light. It's become my moonlighting job.

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[86245]
Jun 29

@fatherofthree3 You had asked me two questions after reading that last article by Melanie Tonia Evans, "Healing From Narcissistic Abuse -- By Loving Yourself And Taking Responsibility:" 1) "Why did I attract and sustain a relationship with a narcissist? and 2) Why does my ego want justice, revenge, and accountability?... The answer to the first question is because the narcissist connects with his or her victim through the unhealed parts of ourselves. The answer to the second question is that anything that comes from the ego is not sustainable. The ego wants revenge because it's like a hurt little child seeking instant gratification. Everything we need comes from the true self -- which can only emerge when it is healed. I had posted the list of unhealed parts in the group recently. The following is that excerpt from the article:

"Two Vital Questions You Must Ask Yourself
If you are having difficulty shifting into acceptance and moving forward in your recovery, ask yourself these questions:

“Why would I keep hanging on to resentment when it is only going to bring me more emotional pain and more of the behaviours of love partners and people that I resent?” and

“Why did I attract and sustain a relationship with a narcissist?”

When we are ready to honestly confront and take responsibility (not make it about anyone else but ourself) for these questions from a true soul level, we are in a position to start getting well.

If you are not able to embrace and honestly start working with these questions, it is because you are stuck in your ego. Which is perfectly understandable, when you have been hurt and you are still in pain and fear.

Your ego wants justice, revenge, accountability – and the ego needs to be ‘right’ and make someone else ‘wrong’. Even if you got ‘justice’ (and you won’t if trying to force justice and accountability from a space of pain) your ego would get a feed momentarily and then you would STILL be feeling terrible after it wore off.

Nothing we achieve through our ego holds, feels durably good or is sustainable – ever!

We can let our ego kick, scream and condemn for as long as we like- and the result will be the same – we keep hitting brick walls, and keep experiencing pain until we FINALLY accept true healing is all about dissolving our ego, realising it is our internal enemy, and that blame and shame are all products of our ego that take us away from your liberation and not toward it.

Self Accountability
Why do we need self-accountability? We need it in order to become conscious and to grow. Without it we believe ‘it’s everyone else’s fault and problem’ and we don’t change ourself.

Self-accountability is not about accepting ‘blame’ – it is about making the decision to heal and grow and become better as a result of the pain.

It is the model of knowing:

‘I realize and embrace that there are parts of me that contributed to being susceptible and powerless to narcissistic abuse’. By accepting this I can focus on healing these unhealed parts. By doing so I can create true change and solutions in my life.

Recognising Your Unhealed Parts
Even before you can begin recovery, you need to be aligned with true recovery and this is realising that pain, blame and shame are not aligned with getting well.

Recently on the NARC Facebook Group I showed an example of recognising my unhealed parts that allowed my abuse to take place.

I started with my own list of reasons as to why I got hooked in a narcissistic relationship.

These reasons were integral parts of my personality which existed before my narcissistic relationship:

I was not whole or happy within myself
I always needed some accomplishment or someone ‘loving me’ to feel okay about myself
I was unresolved over previous relationships and had not accepted or healed my unhealed parts that showed up within these painful relationships
I had never learnt how to love and accept myself unconditionally ‘just for being me’
I believed I was only lovable for what I could produce
I was never able to just ‘be’ without being obsessive / compulsive and thinking about ‘what I should be doing’
I found it very hard to treat myself nicely, nurture or value myself
I was my own worst critic rather than knowing how to speak to myself lovingly and supportively
I could not accept compliments easily and believe I deserved them
I could not let people into my life without fearing they had agendas or would control me
I was suspicious of other people, I didn’t know if I could trust myself to honour me and lay boundaries and walk away rather than relying on someone else to ‘love me’
The list goes on and on and the truth was I could write 10 pages.

The truth is I was NOT real with myself (unconditional love and support) and I gravitated into a relationship with ANOTHER false person!

I have no shame in admitting these things, and in fact I have incredible relief in doing so.

I am still not perfect – but my life now is about taking self- responsibility, instead of blaming life and other people for what I choose and create. And now I can and do heal these aspects of me instead of careering into more pain and blame and shame with NO way out.

And that is the difference now."

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StillStandingMF's picture
[30900]
Jun 30

Seeking Revenge is like drinking poison and hoping it makes the other person sick.

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