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My mother is really toxic. Really toxic. It's hard to watch

Blueberries1234's picture
[60265]

My mother is really toxic. Really toxic. It's hard to watch my sister be manipulated, to continue to try to help my mother. It's a futile mission. She tries to help her reason, but you can't reason with a covert narcissist. You can't even really counsel them much because they will ALWAYS be the good guy in their mind, and if they realize they did somethibg bad they go into attack mode through their shame like screaming etc. My mother is really toxic. Unfortunately my sister has not listened to me and is easily manipulated by her to engage in conversation... she tries to help her. It's sort of a futile mission to try to explain to my sister that a covert narcissist is unable to change because their thinking is so distorted. That the best you can do is ignore their bad behavior and completely detach. Thats how you become healthy. Simlly let everything they do, slide and get away from them while they try their hardest to get a reaction from you. I feel AFRAID still, when my mother raises her voice because she starts screaming at herself and saying that I said all the terrible things to her and about her. And I do, after a while I do hate her and I do tell her when she is sarcastic. My sister doesnt, becaude my sister lives in fear of making her react even worse. Today in the argjment, my sister said to my mom,"I never say you're sarcastic, my sister does. I never called you names my sister did. I dont want to be lumped into a category with other people". And I sat there and listened quietly because it just revealed to me, the triangulation my mother has done and how deep it goes. I am brought into conversations I was never a part of, and used as a bar to compare self to. To feel better than. And right now this moment it's confirmed to me finally that I am the black sheep of this family. So that's pretty great. I have nothing against my sister though I am not even hurt she did thqt, because it is not personal at all. It's her trying to survive, her trying to get approval from a parent who is playing a game because my mother secretly enjoys the power she feels. I know because it always feels good, to have power. To know you can hurt someone, and narcissists do it. I even have done it in the past to a person I cared about a lot. It takes a great deal of strength to know you have the power to hurt someone and choose not to do it. I forgive my mother because I forgive myself. She is toxic, she lives in a perpetual state of powerlessness and fear, and everyone she communicates with is tainted with that toxic energy. It's seriously scary to me sometimes how she can live like that. In a perpetual state of pain.... kind of like when your body is really really stiff but instead of stretching it out you just keep going until it caused back problems... which reminds me i should exercise lol

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Blueberries1234's picture
[60265]
May 22

@Fiftyyoung geez that's such a tough conversation to have with the person. Hopefully your mom stays active and doesnt get dementia/ill, but if she does, is a personal support worker an option? Lol I have the same sort of worries but I feel the key is to encourage physical activity and reading/writing.

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mmadlecl's picture
[47010]
May 22

@Blueberries1234 It's really great that you have figured out your mother's game. Some things people have to figure out for themselves. Then you can be there for her when she realizes the gravity of the situation. It seems that you and your sister are not fighting over this, so at least your mom has not been able to triangulate you two.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[60265]
May 23

@mmadwaite yea it hasnt worked completely, but it also has. My sister does blame me a lot of the time for my mother going nuts because Im the one that should know better. Like if i stand up for myself, my mother starts being hysterical and crying saying that Im triggering her when i point out hwr passive aggressive behavior. Whatever. Im moving in 3 months i cant wait. I wont miss the craziness, but im already experiencing missing both of them like stolkholm syndrome.

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