I'm so afraid of having a relationship again in the future..

ghostlyy's picture
[5500]

I'm so afraid of having a relationship again in the future... But mostly, I'm afraid I'll never fall in love again. And really, my idea of love seems to be so far off the mark. To me, the bad boy with the mysterious eyes and the red flags is all I can seem to be attracted to. The nice guy talks to me, offers me the world, and I just feel... nothing. There's no spark there, no pull, no desire. I feel it for guys I shouldn't, even flirting, it's always the ****... Why am I so conditioned to feel the pull towards these negative people? Can I feel that passionate feeling of love like I did for my ex-narc? I want to fall in love again someday, but if the only time I feel "love" is for a narc or sociopath... I don't know what to do. I feel I'm destined to either be alone forever to avoid an abusive relationship, or I'll have to settle for someone I feel no passion for. Is that real love, feeling no passion and just settling for someone because they actually treat you right? Or am I simply hoping for too much? IS that "love" that I felt before not love? And if not, why am I craving that passionate connection like I thought I had with my ex? Does anyone else understand what I'm saying? Help me. I am so lonely today and the thought that I'm going to be alone forever or have to settle has me crying and feeling even worse because every guy that approaches me at this point, I can read pretty well... And the only ones that seem to spark my interest, even before I realize they're ****s, well they turn out to be ****s that have nasty behavior like my ex. Is that the pull of codepency or just the pull of the emotional vampire? Can I love without being abused?

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@misscyncity I've been working on staying present too. My daughter who is only 24 told me. "when you are living in the past, you are depressed, when you live in your future you are being anxious, when you stay present you are at peace" I believe that! Its just the work it takes to really really stay present is an ongoing process, a retraining of the brain of sorts.

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[980]
Jan 22

@spirtualbreakthru so true! its amazing how our children see things we can not. Some days it's really really really hard to stay in the present - scratch that, some moments. When I find my mind drifiting to the past, I pick up my journal and write it out or read something about healing. I had sort of a relapse yesterday and snooped on my ex narcs facebook page from a separate account I have. Ive blocked him on that one too now but I found myself missing his hoovers. It only gave me more anxiety. I am a project manager for a living and I've never worked on myself. Working on myself, retraining my mind -- all this work.Is the most challenging project I've ever encountered in life

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@misscyncity But the most worth it!! I wish you much luck on your forward moving journey. I wish you happiness. I didn't snoop on social media too much but I can understand the urge, the wanting to know. The truth I guess we never fully be known no matter how much we snoop or wonder. The lies are horrendous and hurtful.. I guess its enough for me to know he'll do it again, although I feel bad for his next victim I know he will never feel whole and always trying to fill that void. I will no longer feed that demand for supply. Tapped out.

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