I dont think he was a narcissist. I think he just wanted us

Blueberries1234's picture
[7235]

I dont think he was a narcissist. I think he just wanted us both to be healthy. I think I am the narcissist, I rage and take all my anger out on him. I want him to make me his center of attention and want him to want me more than anyone else. I want him to want to be happy together and to give eachother love and affection and support and to feel like I matter to him. And it just hurts. Ive given up on my mother and sister. 26 years to stop caring and yet with him I still wish he would come here and prove me wrong. I want him to basically change who he is. I want him to be the person i wish he was instead of who he is. I want him to love me when he probably never did. What is love anyway? Im nowhere near perfect. Im greedy and selfish and want someone to save me. Im afraid of pain and want love. I probably expect too much. I do. I want someone to fall madly in love with me and elope and live an adventurous life. I live in a fantasy world probably. I keep emailing him, instead of ACCEPTING he doesnt want me. Instead I keep guilt tripping him into saying he cares by saying he doesnt. Because deep down I know he doesnt. But because i say it, then he feels he has to prove me wrong.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[7235]
Apr 17

@Shrunkie I know right!? On one level I feel like we have choices to make. Embrace fear and grow or not grow beyond it, or run from fear. I feel like most times growth from fear is too painful so we either distract ourselves or allow it to consume us. I saw a video, on FEAR. And it helped a bit. Jiddu Krishnamurti. It's a really old video, but he talks about fear. How really, like you said, new fears replace old ones. It's the human condition. But that there is a way, to reject fear itself. We are afraid... of seeing ourselves I think. Afraid of not having something to lose ourselves in. Whether that's a relationship, religion, a belief, idea, competition, loneliness... anything. We try to run from ourselves and the present moment. Accepting it. We fear pain. When really it's the fear that causes the pain.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[7235]
Apr 17

@Lisa_1 I think our parents are blameless. They just pass on their dysfunction but did their best. I think everyone does their best but we are all so afraid of suffering that we create it. I keep slipping in and out of it. On some level I know that ...having the perfect family or relationship wont ever exist, and what if no relationship exists... we all are told thats what we need as a marker of being good enough. In reality we are good enough. Alone. As a one person show. And on some level deep deep down we doubt that. We are so BRAIN WASHED. We are so afraid of dying with no one to love us. "If a tree falls in the woods, & no one was there to hear/see it, did it really fall?" And I believe the answer is yes. But I bet tomorrow I will go back to feeling alone and not good enough. Fleeting are my moments of sanity.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[7235]
Apr 17

@preciousgirl I LOVE your comment. Thank you all so much for your honesty. I love this support group so much.

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