Day 8 narc free after 12 years of abuse, and I think I am st

NowImNarcFree's picture
[14350]

Day 8 narc free after 12 years of abuse, and I think I am starting to grieve, and feel the pain of loss and sadness. Can anyone relate? Part of why I stayed so long was low self confidence and taking his messages to heart. It took years for me to build the self awareness and independence required to call it abuse and to get out. But another part of why I stayed so long was just… love for him. I wanted it to work so badly. I wanted to give of myself, but I also wanted a real, healthy relationship. Now I just wonder, what did I see in him? I wasn't always taken in by his manicly charming outer face that he presented publicly, and I hated his rages and put downs. What was left under that? I may have liked the occasional quiet routine in between the ups and downs. I may have seen the soul of a five year old (his emotional maturity level) and seen a child to take care of. At this point I don't know who he was, that I loved. Was he imaginary? Was there something there? I feel that all through our relationship I was searching for who it was, trying to reach out for that person. And never satisfactorily finding him, wondering if he was in there somewhere. I guess this is the loss I am mourning now.

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[34990]
Feb 3

I'm so sorry you're hurting. But if he is a narc, he indeed never really was what he portrayed and in the process of trying to recapture the magic he tricked you with, you may have started to lose some traction, because it distracted you from your goals because of the grief. But you are strong and I know you can come back from this, accomplish what you set out to do, and be a source of comfort to others.

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NowImNarcFree's picture
[14350]
Feb 4

Don't worry, I'm still working towards my goals. Part of my goal is to be a better listener to my own thoughts and emotions, after having him shut them down for years. I think what I am grieving is myself, or my hopes for the relationship and the future, not for him. He was only a drain.

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[34990]
Feb 4

You're so right. That's what happened to me when I left my narc ex husband. I went no contact, but for 3 years could never bring myself to file for divorce. I realized in counseling that it was the dream I could not face giving up. It had nothing to do with him. It was the dream of happily ever after I held onto.

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