I’m sitting here wondering where to begin, what to say. It

I’m sitting here wondering where to begin, what to say. It seems like my mind is racing but it’s difficult to process the thoughts to words. I was hit by a drunk driver many years ago and after five years of pain killers and numerous surgeries I had a two level spinal fusion with full cage and rods donar bone and bone grafts the works. After all of that I got to a semi good place and was good until a recent accident in 2014. Since I have had several more surgeries, injections, deep injections. A spinal cord neuro stimulator implant and whatever else they would offer me at the slightest chance to take away this pain. I’m at the point in my reality that there is nothing further no hope that things will change or improve. These meds make me feel like a zombie and the side effects well are not much better than the pain. People see me and tell me how great I look and I want to scream, so I seclude myself as I feel like **** like I’m a burden to my friends and family. That all i am is a downer to those around me. So those who didn’t eventually walk away I pushed away, So In comes the depression and forcing myself to get up every day to attempt some sort of normalcy in life. But I’m so empty inside so lost in my mind. I stopped praying for the pain to end but to just not wake up anymore. The loneliness is overwhelming in not having someone to share my life with to at least feel some sort of love but how can you bring these burdens to someone else how do you bring all the baggage into a relationship it just doesn’t seem fair to do to someone. Just writing this I feel like I’m whining and complaining, growing up you didn’t do this in my family it was not tolerated and that philosophy was furthered when I served in the military. So it
Is very difficult to overcome those feelings. I am lost in my mind from the pain from the medications and I just don’t know what to do anymore. In any case thanks for letting me vent.

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[85]
Oct 13

so I can’t sleep, the medications keep me up all night and all it does is give me more time to think and realize I’m in so much pain. My final surgery is coming up this week and for the first time I am really feeling very uncertain about the whole thing. I have had so many surgeries without to many complications that I keep thinking this maybe pushing my luck to far. The odds are really crappy, a chance no change, a chance get worse and a chance for some relief all even. Normally I think if you don’t play the lotto you can’t win but I’m really questioning this one. My own anxiety coupled with my estranged mother calling me for my birthday today, instantly said not too do it she has a bad feeling about it. Court today for
My ongoing divorce case which is going on over two years now. Guess my mind is bouncing everywhere from the lack of sleep. My job is forcing me to medically retire as they can no longer hold my position and I guess I am just uncertain about life right now. The only thing that keeps me going is my boys right now, they live with me but it’s becoming unmanageable for me as they are young and require to much attention that I can see I can no longer provide in a safe manner. But god I love their smiling faces and when they touch my back and tell me they hope I feel better. But then the emptiness rushes back in the uncertainty of my future, the lack of companionship and not in the sexual manner but moreso the compassion the reassurance and just conversation and then the sex lol. Just someone to talk to that gives a crap. Then the realization of how can you ask someone to take on so much baggage comes in. I’m tired of smiling for everyone else’s benefit and saying yeah I’m feeling better today just so I’m not a downer to the few I still interact with. I just want some sort of positive thing in my life I feel like I’m drowning and when I catch a breath I’m pulled back down. I used to thank god for letting me walk away from that accident and now I question why as my faith continues to deminish. I know there are others suffering far worse than me, I know I should be thankful but that is just slipping away. I just want to sleep.....

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Jennipain's picture
[461950]
Oct 13

@Aircrew Try taking your meds at a different time of the day. Some will keep you up all night and right now you need as much rest as you can get. Hugs

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[130]
Oct 13

Having back problems is a real life changer. You have a lot going on all at the same time. It is understandable that you feel that you need some peace in your life. Remember that your kids are really great therapy for you. My daughters keep me going because life goes on for them and I have to participate, so I grin and bear it. Break up the things you have to do into small tasks - that way it seems more manageable. Best Wishes on your upcoming surgery.

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