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First of all, I'm ok. My father passed away this morning at

First of all, I'm ok. My father passed away this morning at just about 2:15am. I had gone to sleep at 11:37 pm. I fell right to sleep due to exhaustion. I awoke at 2:15am and went to check on my dad. He was still quite warm that's why I think he passed almost when I had awoke. Odd I woke up right then. I had slept on the couch not near his bedroom.
After calling hospice I washed a few dishes. Not many, a couple bowls and silverware. The hospice nurse arrived and she did what things she's required to do. I have to say, everyone at hospice could not have been nicer these past few weeks. Or more helpful and kind.
It's 5:13 now in Arizona. I know I'm rambling here. I had to keep talking when the nurse arrived too. If I hadn't, I would have broken down. My mind almost seems blank at the moment. I'm having a hot coffee and a cigarette inside. It's freezing outside with frost on my truck. I'm just waiting for time to pass and the sun to shine before I begin making calls.
The last two days my dad's cat has not wanted to stay inside. He has a few semi-feral cats out doors. But this one is very close to him. She barely was off his bed the past few weeks. I let her outside and watched her. She basically moped around on the patio. Sitting on the cold cement for hours. I suppose, sensing the inevitable.
My dad was the last of his generation left in our family. All his siblings had passed on.
My life is going to change now. I'm looking forward to the freedom and the normalcy I will have again. I've taken care of my dad for a number of years. He was very narcissistic. He could be mean to the point of cruel towards me at times. But at the end, these past weeks. He spoke only kind and appreciative words.
I have a step sister.... who after everything is said and done. I won't call her or refer to her as a step sister any longer. She's a text book case of a narcissistic person. I won't be opening the will soon. My father had very little and owned a small mobile home that's nearly fifty years old. She may try to fight for more than she is to receive. I'm not positive what's what in the will. But I have my ideas. So she I am sure... I will have to contend with in the weeks or months to come.
It's funny in a way. My thought are all about small good things about my dad. His love of nature and the outdoors. Going out once a month with him in his old age, to shoot a few games of pool. Taking him to the thrift store at the end, because he couldn't drive any longer. He was a border line hoarder. And bought junk just to bring home cause he liked to. Even if most went into the shed cause he already had 12 of them.
I loved my dad through all his faults and neglect that he put me through as a child. I grew up hurt and sad and withdrawn. But I became a strong, kind and outgoing man. I never touched drugs or got into marijuana and I don't drink. With all I went through as a boy. His fierce temper and hard drinking and neglect and abuse. I learned to remain calm and easy going. I'm a fairly happy go lucky type of person with a good sense of humor. I think when I was left with so many people at times. And knowing they didn't want me either. I learned to make my own happiness. I learned that being alone doesn't always mean your lonely. I learned to love animals and nature and God. I hold no real bitterness towards him.
I wish him great peace and hope. He's with all the family and loved ones that left before him.

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[44620]
Apr 14

@Bop
Thank you...

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Marlene1105's picture
[53675]
Apr 15

@jim111 You are very welcome!

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Anella's picture
[15555]
Apr 21

@jim111
You're more than welcome. Just know that we're here if or when you want to talk.

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