Ok so I just got into a bad relapse because my bf went to Ve

Isi90's picture
[240]

Ok so I just got into a bad relapse because my bf went to Vegas for this weekend for a bachelor party for his best friend and I just feel so alone.. I just want to be crying and sleeping all day although I know this is a good opportunity to actually focus more on my studying. Up until now whenever I did binge and purge it would be just once in the day. Yesterday he left and I did it twice, I also binged a little bit at night and it was reeeeeally hard to stop myself from purging again but at least I managed to do that. Also when I binge and purge I get this fear (especially if I get a headache afterwards) that I will have an aneurysm and die in my sleep. (This thing is so messing me up). When he is here I don't worry that much because I know he is sleeping next to me. Now that I had to sleep alone I went crazy. I put an alarm every half hour to see if i'm still alive (?!?) and I was watching stuff on youtube the whole night. up until 3am I was going back and forth trying not to feel bloated trying not to purge and just kept saying to myself that I will be more at risk if I purge now than if I just let the calories (of like some tuna salad and a bunch of crackers) just sit in there. I guess I managed to fall asleep around 3:30 and woke up at 7, slept another hour and then woke up at 8. I texted him a little bit I didn't want to tell him how bad it was I just said I slept badly without him.

The rest of his family (parents, grandparents, sister and brother) live upstairs from us and I went up for coffee with his mom (which I regularly do) and I kinda mentioned that I slept bad alone and his mom is so sweet they have an extra bedroom and she told me I can sleep there until he is back on Sunday. Afterwards I was texting with my mom and kinda mentioned it ( I just said I get a bit scared alone, cause she doesn't know about my relapses or not much really about my bulimia) and she just said oh you have to be more independent so what, don't get scared, you live in a nice area nothing is going to happen you have to show that you are independent.

Its not like I've never lived alone before, I lived alone for like my whole university life it was just that my apartment was much smaller than ours now and also I wasn't really trying that hard to recover back then. right now, I feel that if I sit around here all day and night I will just let myself go and binge and purge again 2,3,4 times a day.. On the one hand I want to go sleep upstairs on the other hand I want my bf to know I can be independent and he can leave me alone for a while without anything happening.

PFFFFT i really can't deal with anything....

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[20]
Apr 20

This post speaks to me so much. Seriously, I do all the same things that you described. If you need someone to talk to, please reach out.

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Isi90's picture
[240]
Apr 20

@emr5rc yes definitely!! I don't have any friends....

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