i've gone three days without throwing up and that's not that

klearlykit's picture
[295]

i've gone three days without throwing up and that's not that much tbh and i haven't been eating much at all and i've exercised today and yesterday so i'm still not anywhere near a good place, but tomorrow my parents are leaving for the weekend (saturday and sunday night) and i'll have the house to myself and i don't have to work tomorrow so i won't actually leave the house and that means i have zero people watching me aka absolutely no accountability so theoretically i could drive to the grocery store and pick up fifty bucks worth of food and just binge and purge. i've done it before for pretty much a whole week last time my parents went on vacation. i'm so scared i'll land back on day zero; i honestly don't know how to resist the impulse and i'm really worried.

Comment
 4
View 1 More Comment
klearlykit's picture
[295]
Aug 12

@shinyhan i was thinking of like giving my credit card and cash to my parents so i literally couldn't buy anything, but i didn't. i think that has a lot to do with that i really WANTED to binge. like i needed to eat too much and throw up. and my dad even left money for me to grocery shop with and so i was able to buy so much food without spending my own money. fortunately i guess my stomach's shrunk a bit cause i haven't been eating at all for the past three days so it didn't take much food to get to the point where i was fit to burst and ready to purge. but i still feel so disgusting right now. i threw away all the food i bought so i wouldn't eat anymore of it but i still found myself fishing out of the trashcan. sometimes i don't even feel human it's that disgusting you know?

Reply
klearlykit's picture
[295]
Aug 12

@shinyhan oh shoot i didn't even answer your questions i'm sorry!! i can't couch surf cause i have to look after my two dogs and i live really far away from all my friends and coworkers so i can't ask them to come down here cause it's such a big inconvenience and anyways no one around me knows about my mental illnesses so they wouldn't really be willing to go that far out of the way....

Reply
shinyhan's picture
[1535]
Aug 13

Yeah. Our secrets keep us sick. That is my lecturing, scolding brain talking. I know how you feel. I've spent way too much time in the same place. Wondering how I could be doing and wanting these things, while a louder part of me is screaming " F you,! I will have what I want when I want it!". It's distressing. Internal conflict sucks. The only thing that helps me is feeling loved. Can you find a place/way to feel loved and inspired?

Reply

Login or Register

You are visiting Support Groups as an anonymous user.

Please consider joining our community and gain access to additional features by

registering or logging into your account