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I started binging and purging a couple of months ago. Anytim

[20]

I started binging and purging a couple of months ago. Anytime I eat more than I think I should, I think “I’m going to throw it up later so why not just eat more”. So I end up eating as much as I can handle and then immediately go to throw it up. I hate myself every time, but I can’t seem to have control over myself. It’s hard because I want to tell someone to get help but don’t know how they will take it. I know I need to stop and am hoping this helps.

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[1565]
Jun 14

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your struggles. It's not easy to admit when we are struggling. I know exactly how you feel. I have been there. I've had the same thoughts and issues. I want you to know that healing from this is possible as I am on that journey. It's not easy to ask for help, but most likely those that are closest to you already know that something is going on and they want to help, they just don't know how. I would encourage you to talk to someone you really trust. Let them in. Let them support you through this. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Many of us struggle with eating disorders. There is such a stigma about them. I think that's why many of us stay quiet as we fear what others will think or say. However, our secrecy will keep us exactly where we are and we will just go further down into this unhealthy cycle and it can have detrimental effects on many different areas in our lives in the long run. Trust me, I know! The most courageous thing you can do is tell someone and seek help. In a way you have already done that by coming here and sharing with us. I am going to share some resources that have been very helpful for me and I am hoping they will help you as well. Just know you are not alone. Many of us understand! Wishing you the best! https://list.ly/list/1erM-youve-spent-enough-time-at-war-with-yourself?feature=search

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Thank you agse01 [1555. I will check out your links that you provide. I have never reached out to anyone so you are right....it took me awhile to reach out here. Recently there has not been one day we’re i do not purge. I am happy that my family finally knows what I have been dealing with for the past 15 years. Please share your story if you can. Thank you again!!!!

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[1565]
Jun 17

@AshleySebastian23- I am so happy that you have decided to reach out and share your struggles with your family. Support is so needed. Sharing is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do on this journey as it is an admittance that you are struggling and that's never easy to do. However, it is one of the necessary steps for the healing journey and healing is possible. You do not need to be stuck in this place forever. I'm proof of that. As for my own story, I had a very chaotic childhood...my parents were very young when they had me. There was not a lot of stability. They ended up getting divorced. My mom had a lot of mental health issues while I was growing up, and still does to this day so that played into the chaos. She taught me early on that my self worth came from what I looked like, I had to be skinny to be accepted and loved. There was always a huge focus on weight and food in our home and at times body shaming from her. The unfortunate thing is that my body build and genetics does not allow for me to be super skinny! I always felt like a failure because I couldn't be! I grew up feeling unloved, unaccepted, I got teased a lot for my weight from other kids, I had no self esteem and the chaos at home all played into how I started to struggle with an eating disorder and make very poor choices overall in my life. My mom was also bulimic, and I knew she was so it just kind of came natural I guess. I started when I was 13. My mom figured it out pretty quickly that I was struggling and she got me into counseling. That helped for awhile, until my world span out of control when she abandoned my brother and I and moved to another state. My life for the next several years was filled with more chaos, custody battles, fighting between my parents, a move to live with my father who at the time I did not like or get along with. I ended up with a step mom who emotionally abused me. I was raped 2x in my teens etc. My eating disorder progressed through all of this. In the beginning, I thought I had control over it. It was the one thing in my life I felt I had control over, unfortunately, the truth is, it soon had control over me. It was all I could think about doing and I would purge up to 10x a day whether I had food in my belly or not to the point I was throwing up blood. It was a very dark time in my life and it was ongoing for several years. I guess there just came a point where I found the courage and said I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to be in the darkness. I don't want to be consumed by all this anger, hate and bitterness because it was killing me! It was during this time as well that I came to faith in God which has had a huge effect on how I live my life now and how I deal with my past. It was through a relationship with God that I found my self-worth and realized that I am loved beyond measure just for who I am. I don't have to meet anyone's standards to be loved, He loves me for me. That's where my healing started along with therapy. Therapy was intense and it was hard, but it was the best thing I could have ever done. I had to walk through my past, see how my pain was driving my behavior (binging/purging, looking for love in the wrong places, how I treated myself etc.) I also had to evaluate the lies I was believing about myself and learn to change those negative thoughts. It took awhile and a lot of hard work, but I am in a much better place right now and happier than I have ever been. I have been blessed immensely over the years with my own family (husband and kids) restored relationships with my dad and stepmom. (My mom and I still struggle in our relationship, but I am trying to see her through compassionate eyes and realize her own brokenness. However, boundaries are essential for me in this relationship.) I'm not sure that you ever get over the temptation to want to binge and purge. For me, that is not something that has ever left, probably because it was how I dealt with my pain for so long and it comes naturally. However, I now have the courage and strength to deal in healthier ways. I am able to replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts. I have learned a whole new way of coping. Going through the healing process has been so hard. It's not easy to face the biggest fears and pain in your life, but going through it is so worthwhile. I essentially have a brand new life and now try to use my own story to bring hope and healing to others. You can do this! You are so worth it! I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but I will be praying for you! Hugs!

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