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[TRIGGER WARNING] [TLDR: seeking advice on how to keep sel

[TLDR: seeking advice on how to keep self-esteem up (in order to reduce self-harm and suicidal ideation) when you feel you are failing everyone around you]
Hi all, I am new to these support groups and am happy they exist. I have been struggling with how I -- through my emotions, behaviors, etc associated with BPD -- have been damaging my relationship. Things have been tough both inside and outside my relationship recently (outside: health concerns, possibility of losing my job unfairly, etc.), and as a result I have swayed between being very emotional and very dissociative and have unfortunately been self-harming more and more frequently. I am feeling emotionally unequipped to handle a relationship and even a job. I also did some googling (1st bad idea) and got lured in by forums on how awful borderlines are in relationships (fair, but clicking on this was my 2nd bad idea) and I find myself overwhelmed by guilt and hopelessness. I know that my struggle with BPD is extremely hard on my partner. He has told me he fears expressing when he is upset because he doesn't want me to hurt myself. I recognize that it is totally unfair for him to feel cornered in that way. At the same time, I am struggling with a lot right now and am having immense trouble eliminating self harm. This is where I get to feeling hopeless. Unfit for relationships or for work. In almost constant emotional agony. I begin to feel that if I am not enjoying life and I bring nothing to those around me, I don't want to live anymore.

There are a couple reasons I am bringing this to this group.
(1) I need to get this off my chest. It is extremely hard to handle this alone, and I feel increasingly guilty talking about these emotions with my partner because I know they hurt him and also make him feel suspicious that I am trying to corner him emotionally. I do go to therapy, but it gets hard to wait a full week to speak to somebody.
(2) I am looking for advice, primarily on how to feel like you are worthwhile when you are knees deep in symptoms and causing pain to those that care about you. I also want to tackle my symptoms, but know that is a longer term goal. For now, I am hoping for any advice you might have on how to keep your self-esteem healthy when you feel you are failing, experiencing too many symptoms, self-harming, etc. I believe that self-esteem is a key enabler in healing in general, and I am hoping for any advice you might have for boosting it when you feel you don't deserve to love yourself.

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kisobel's picture
May 17, 2019

Welcome to the group. I think you are asking how to improve your self-esteem and that you also need support in between therapy appointments. Have you ever thought about what your inner voice is saying to you? Lots of times low self-esteem comes from the negative self-talk that we can feed ourselves. Ask yourself, would you say the kind of things you say to yourself to someone else? Keep posting. There are a lot of members in this group. You are not alone. Hugs.


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