today has been hell--someone railed me out when I was carryi

today has been hell--someone railed me out when I was carrying my laundry to the elevator, and she was moving furniture--it was so stupid because I was doing nothing wrong, but she just needed to yell at someone--she was cruel--well, the state of mind that I have been for the past month or 2, caused me to just to the manager of the building, and tell her that I couldn't handle that kind of treatment--I just want to mind my own business--then I talked to 5 other people about it (not people I usually confide in) and just let the painful feelings out--it didn't help much--I couldn't overeat to get my mind off of it--I couldn't watch tv or watch a video or listen to music--nothing seemed to be enough---it seems as if my mind is overflowing with emotional pain--too much bad memories of beatings, being sent away every summer, and bullying, and having every doll I had (about 12 of them) taken away from me for no apparent reason--I asked where they were when I got home from school, and no one answered me--

then I had caught childhood diseases, and lost 90% of my teeth by the time I was 19--I had diminished hearing and needed glasses, so I didn't do well in school--my IQ test came out to be 90, but it had a lot to do with the constant bullying and not being able to hear the teacher or see the blackboard for my first few years of school--later as an adult, my IQ was 114--so, given 1/2 a chance, I could do well--but the childhood of my life made my life an automatic failure, being depressed as a child, and beaten often, and constantly yelled at and ignored--even when I won the school spelling bee, no one cared--

I'm 64, and have wanted to die for most of my life--I have attempted and obviously failed many times--I would try again if I was sure that it would work--

other people have worse lives, and go on to be happy, successful people--but I have depression that eats at my soul--it just tears away my hopes and dreams--it just makes the world look grey and foggy--there are no bright days--I laughed the other day and it felt odd to me since I don't laugh out loud much--but in the movie 'The Heat' one of the agents threw a book at the suspect literally--you heat about throwing the book at a criminal--but you don't think about someone actually doing it--here's the point I'm getting at: that moment was like a speck of sand on the beach compared to my happy times--sad--

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kisobel's picture
[179075]
Sep 8, 2016

Hi @brownhope - I am going to print (like on an actual printer) your post out and go sit down and read it right now. I will be back....

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kisobel's picture
[179075]
Sep 8, 2016

@brownhope - I sat down and read your post whilst having a drink and smelling lavender from my new kitschy diffuser that I got yesterday. So anyway, what I hear you saying is that you have long been neglected and invalidated for your feelings. Of course you would feel mistreated by the "furniture moving tenant". You have had a rough start as a child I can see. Childhood diseases, diminished sight and hearing. These are things that have a real impact on a person's life, and an especially traumatic impact as a child. You are an intelligent person and if you were ever told otherwise you were misinformed. I actually had the same kind of experience with an IQ test, like the one you described. I'm 61 years old. We are close in age. The depression is the thing. That's the thing you need help with. Being surprised at laughing is a sure sign of depression. I am going to attach here something that I have used that has helped me. I wrote it on a card and keep it with me. It is a CBT skill called STOPP. I would highly suggest writing it out. That reinforces it, and keep it close at hand and when you have these sort of feelings about the treatment you have experienced take it out and read it. It has helped me and here it is:

:BPD
STOPP
The following is an essential skill for us to learn and practice. I would suggest writing this out on a flashcard and keeping it with you for those times that we all experience when we are having difficulty with distress tolerance. For those new members who are not familiar with the flashcard idea, we are creating sets of cards for ourselves with DBT skills on them.

STOPP

*Stop and step back*
- Don't act immediately. Pause.

*Take a Breath*
- Notice your breath as you breathe in and out.

*Observe*
- What am I thinking and feeling? What are the words that my mind is saying? Is this fact or opinion? Descriptions or evaluations? Accurate or inaccurate? Helpful or unhelpful? What unhelpful thinking habit am I using (e.g. mind-reading, negative filter, thinking the worst?). Where is my focus of attention? What metaphor could I use (mountain, tunnel, plaground bully, thought train, beach call, passengers on a bus) ?

*Pull back: Put in some Perspective*
- See the situation as an outside observer. What would a fly on the wall see? Is there another way of looking at it? What advice would I give to someone else? What's 'the helicopter view'? What meaning am I giving this event for me to react in this way? How important is it right now, and wil it be in 6 months? Is my reaction in proportion to the event?

*Practice what works*
- Do what works, what is most helpful.
Play to your principles and values.
Will it be effective and appropriate?
Is it in proportion to the event?
Is it in keeping with my values and prinicples?
What we be the consequences of my action?
What is best for me and most helpful for this situation?

(source: getselfhelp.co.uk/stopp.htm)

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[400]
Apr 20

@kisobel hey, want to thank you for the list of things to think about when I need to assess my situation--really sounds right on--maybe save a lot of internal stress from fretting about things--wow

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