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So let me preface this by saying idk why I'm here or what I'

DravenRayne's picture

So let me preface this by saying idk why I'm here or what I'm expecting from posting here or if you guys can even help me but heres my the story of my journey so far... I was diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago (after 9 years of mis-diagnosis and the wonderful game of musical meds). My childhood was a wonderland of emotional, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my parents and my mothers boyfriends (of which there were many).
At the age of 8 I discovered drugs and alcohol and at the time I think they saved my life by helping me to cope with my environment and situation. But eventually they stopped working and my life feel apart. Over the course of my life I have been hospitalized 8 times for suicide attempts. My last suicide attempt left me in a coma for 67 days, It also got me sent to rehab for the third time. I stayed in rehab as long as they would let me as I had no where else to go, but then I lucked out and got into a recovery home. At this time I dropped all my doctors and medications (I wanted to know for sure what was my mental illness and what was my untreated alcoholism).
At first I wanted to die everyday, my life was nothing but fear. I was scared of talking to people, I was scared to be alone, I was scared I would drink or use, and I was scared of not drinking or using. But after about 6-7 months of utter hell I reached a place where I decided to try doing things a different way. I joined a 12 step program and did everything they told me (some I resisted mor than others). But it worked for the purpose it was intended for, I stopped drinking and using. This Feb I will have 9 years sober. But though I have been freed from the shackles of alcoholism by applying the steps in my day to day life, I have not been freed from my BPD.
I am currently in a difficult situation where I have ended my 5 year relationship bc I could see the damage I was doing to both myself and my partner by remaining in it. This is made more difficult as 1 we have a 4 year old daughter and 2 my ex does not want the relationship to end. The last month since I have ended it has been the hardest of my life. I don't react well to stress and I am now overloaded with it (emotional and finacial).
So far I have been just suppressing all my emotions (Channeling my boy Spock lol) so that I can remain calm. My worst fear is that I will destroy the line of communication between me and my ex, I don't want it to degrade into a war, with my daughter being stuck in the middle. But suppression is not good for me I know this, while it has worked to minimise the amount of wreckage this situation is causing, it is also causing me to become more and more unstable inside. Thoughts of running from the situation keep popping into my brain (whether its literal relocation, running to a bottle or needle, or puposfully destroying the communication so that I dont have to deal with it anymore).
At this point I'm not sure what to do, I can't afford therapy or doctors because of the daycare costs and child support. I am finding it incresingly difficult to be mentally or emotionally present at work (which I can't afford to do as I'm head of IT and people rely on me). I have been resorting to food in order to cope which only makes thing worse as it makes me feel like crap physically and makes me feel disgusting mentally. I don't know what to do at this point and so here I am.. Any input or suggestions would be appreciated.

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DravenRayne's picture
Nov 14, 2017

@Hopeful_100 Thank you.. Pain and suffering can be very valuable because you can learn from it... I just try to remain focused on learning and avoid my old habit of morbid reflection...

Aliceinwonderlannd's picture
Nov 15, 2017

@DravenRayne normal sport. Itbs like magic!
I want also to do it but you know...motivation.. but when i did it ..omg ! It worked! .. 21 days in a row they become a habbit

Nov 16, 2017

I hope you get through this @DravenRayne. I know how hard things can be. Feel better. And keep sports in mind. If you feel your too sluggish, try just juice, then another and another....the weight will start to fall off. Lots of greens. So try just one juice a day until you feel better.


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