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so i need adivise on if i should just move on or change and

bruhitzellie's picture
[185]

so i need adivise on if i should just move on or change and get back with my ex when the time comes.so basically me and this girl started talking 2 years ago. we got attached to quick and we met online and we dated a week later, we both have alot of mental health issues and we didnt put ourself first. we told each other we will never leave each other and we made all these plans and commitments. we would and still talk everyday for 2 years legit every day even when we hated each other. we never went a day without talking. we both were toxic towards each other, cheating, phiscally and mentally abusive, trust issues and we either love or hated each other nothing in between . i personally have BPD and a lie alot when i dont even mean too and abandoned issues and anger issues and alot of trauma from sexual abused in the past and me being adopted and having learning dispailtys because my mom did herion and other drugs while she was pregnet with me.she has bipolar, depression and anger issues and lying issues. we both had alot of the same issues. so that didn't mix well. on top of that my family doesnt support my sexuality, so it was hard seeing eachother and always saying were "just friends" i cheated first beacuse i guess i was bored and from that it got toxic because trust issues and then she cheated and always has anger issues. i got overwhelmed and was allways trying to leave her but she would quilt trip me to stay and wanted to killherslef if i left, and we cheated a few times on eachother, verbally abused eachother and had one phiscal fight. we really did love eachother but we dont know why we did what we did. i mainly was the toxic person and hurt her the most. and we finally broke up because it was too much for our familys and mental health. now im just trying to get over this breakup. and now i hate myslef for messing up everything and i love her so much still and fee so bad for hurting her for 2 years. i really want to get back with her and treat her the way i shouldve and show her the real me. but we both dont wanna relive the 2 years of toxicity. i text her everyday just telling her have a good day and sometimes i just remind her how bad i feel and how sorry i am and how i still want her. shes very short with me and dont like to talk about our past. shes gives me alot of mixed signals since the break up she only comes to me when she misses the attetion i gave her. she does show some hints that she isnt over me. like she will text me if she finds out that i flirt to people or stalks me alot. but our vibes our way diffrent and we act like strangers. i really do realize how bad i treated her on my part and feel terrible for it and i do admit my actions and i apoligze alot. i want to text her more and show her that im not losing feelings or show in a way i never loved her and this never effected me, but i dont wanna be to clingly and make her think im crazy. so as of right now i just tell her have a good day so she knows i still want her in my live. she did say she still loves me and will never lose that, but i dont know if that means as a friend way or more then that. i can tell shes losing all feelings for me and starting to treat me like a stranger and im so scared to lose her i want her back i want the old us but healthy. what do i do to get her back???

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[5035]
Nov 2

I don't think you should try to get back together right now. By your own admission you treated her very badly, and in many ways she did the same to you. When you miss someone you tell yourself that you are only ever going to be good to that person if they give you another chance, but eventually you will get mad at each other, because all couples do. And if you haven't done the work to know why you engage in toxic behaviors in response, and how to avoid them, it won't go any better the next time. Are you in therapy? Maybe you can ask your therapist to focus on how to date more healthily in the future, whether with this person or someone else.

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RainbowChard's picture
[10475]
Nov 8

I would ask myself what it is that fuels the relationship. Is it fear of being alone? Is it fear that no one else will ever love me? Is it feeling that "I" won't exist without this other person? Relationship addiction is real - there is a process in the brain that is just like addiction to a substance - that can keep people in damaging relationships for many, many years. If I were in your situation (and I have been in the past), I would talk to a professional about your relationship and get really clear about what it is that draws you back to this relationship and this person, and go from there. Wishing you peace. <3

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