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So here goes... part of me wants to say bpd is real, anothe

So here goes... part of me wants to say bpd is real, another part wants to say its just an excuse for being a childish meanie. Ok, so I'm a 42 yo male and I believe I have had these symptoms for a good 30 years. For the last 20 years of unstable romantic relationships due to my paranoia and anxiety, etc I have had enough! Mix that with sporatic drug/alcoholism this has been a recipe for disaster. I have been blessed many times from above with potential beautiful mates only to basically spit on those blessings and chase them away. I believe I come across as a somewhat stable, interesting man at first then this pattern starts: Here's how it starts: I meet someone, we court very passionately and surely, then some kind of topic of discussion or course of action starts which makes me uncomfortable (or selfish), mild anger starts/then apologize/anger/then apologize/accusing/apologize. Sometimes this will start only after a week of dating! The partner will always put up with some of the lashing out at first but then it just gets old to them. I do have a life and hobbies outside of dating but I always put those on the backburner during these intensely anxiety ridden episodes. Its like I have it in my hand one minute then all the sudden everything is gone and I may or may not turn to alcohol/tobacco to cope but as we all know that doesn't work. This last loss a couple weeks ago was the icing on the cake. I'm not getting any younger and this one was great. It's sad when a girl a lot younger than myself has more calm and resolve than me. At one point she tried to help but they should never be used for that. Luckily I have grown past the suicide attempts and episodes of harassment towards exes via texts/phone calls... I used to be a lot worse. But I still let the cat out of the bag and that was bad enough. The anger, neediness, borderline-stalkerish stuff.. I have had to hold back a lot. I'm ready for this to stop though. I can't take prescription mind pills so I need other avenues and time/space are good, also exercise and the use of CBD oil does help sometimes... but like right now I have these meltdowns and I take everything so serious. This last girl I happen to work with so that in itself has tamed my craziness due to the fact that I need my job. Here is an example of what may kick off an episode in me: like this morning at work, I run into her in the office; she says "hey, you are with so and so today, etc" just normal stuff I guess. The way I think is oh she said "hey" to me, that must mean something either extremely positive or negative. We are not currently on talking terms. So I texted her later; please don't say "hey" to me like everything is copasetic just give me straight details about our work. Somehow I felt like I was pushed over just in that little exchange! That is what I'm saying. I have to make sure the other person gets hurt last but why can't I just be caring and forgiving and let it go!! I need this to change! So possibly this morning there was one last glimmer of kindness between us and I have to burn that too because I'm so fearful someone is getting over on me or I form these scenarios in my head about what they are doing now. This just takes so much energy up in my head and thoughts I get exhausted. I cannot do this anymore to myself and to others. This must stop. I know I have to get help somehow.

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kisobel's picture
[205920]
Aug 10

Welcome here and thanks for letting us know about you. I just want to say BPD is real, it's not an excuse. The brains of people with BPD actually look different. You can look it up at the Public LIbrary of Science, PLOS.com. You are in a very confused condition right now. You need to find a good therapist and start working on recovery. We understand here. You are not alone. Best!.........Kisobel

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