recently ive been thinking I have some degree of BPD and my

maddie--xD's picture
(165)

recently ive been thinking I have some degree of BPD and my family doesn't believe in disorders or illnesses of any kind.

ive lost many people and has created many issues to me basically being a "copycat" or a "try hard' which really makes me self conscious.

when I was a child, I wasn't allowed to be different, if I wasn't like my aunt whos extremely toxic, id get it.
in school I was a completely different person, I got in trouble a couple of times which she found out about and said "that's not how I raised you to act"

ive learned to be "flexible" for others, other people like different things in people and I try to fit that by basically seeing what they like and getting myself into it so I can be liked.

most of the time in relationships, I try to pay a lot of attention to how my partner speaks and acts and I mimic it. example, my ex boyfriend Alex really loved hardcore metal music and I listened to his favorite stuff completely ignoring my "old taste" and id dress in darker clothing. we eventually broke up and I'm ending up feeling "emotionally numb". then id have a new guy who liked rave, his name was Nate. id listen to EDM constantly and dressed like a hippie, I did everything he did and he thought it was weird.
when I was younger I had these people who said "you have no personality" and we spent so much time together saying "we created who you are". later we fell off for 8 months and I changed myself so much I lost the sense of who they bother were. I came back and they said "they miss the old Maddie back" but I didn't know how to be what they want.

I was so used to being thrown out and changing for others I didn't know how to be what they wanted.

they'd do something wrong like forget to text me and id go crazy. (I will start to sound toxic) I said that "you don't love me" and more dramatic and hurtful stuff, eventually hurting myself.
it happened so much they got sick of me.

I change for everyone and it makes me feel nervous, I don't know if I have BPD, my family wont let me get it confirmed.

I don't know if I sound dramatic but ive lost even family members over me acting like the person I'm dating.

I just don't know what to do, I think I'm really sensitive but I'm really confident I have BPD.

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maddie--xD's picture
(165)
Jul 20, 2018

@BurritoBandito thank you so much this means a lot

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(70)
Jul 20, 2018

No thank you just knowing I'm not alone helps tremendously p.s girl, interrupted is a film worth watching.

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(17130)
Jun 14

@maddie--xD Thanks for sharing your story.
Are you currently in therapy?

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