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*******Major Trigger warning********** Looking for help and

HonestJohn77's picture

*******Major Trigger warning**********
Looking for help and advice from someone who has
1. Borderline personality disorder and is over 45 years old
2. And has had the experience of non-functioning BPD the kind that made it impossible to be in a relationship or to work for most but not all of your life
3. Rendering you dependent on disability payments
4. With the illness more akin to psychopathy rather than the usual interpersonal and psychological symptoms discussed on support groups by our functioning (able to work and be in relationships) bpd cousins
5. Must have experienced brain chemistry changes aged 36 and heinous head symptoms in late 30’s early 40’s which required doses of anti-psychotic medication lessening the chance of you being dangerous to yourself or others.
6. Must have lost all your feelings aged around 23 or 24 yrs. old.
7. May or may not have had to utilise AA or OA as a recovery process between the ages 36-45 especially.
If this person is you and I’m betting I won’t find a single person on support groups who falls into this category then the help I’m looking for is as follows:
Question 1.I am emotionless. The last time I felt empathy, sympathy, love or compassion was Oct 2001 as a 23 year old. When will I get my feelings back? Will they come back gradually bit by bit in my 40’s or upon reaching a particular age?
Question 2: I cannot remember the days of the week or people’s names. I can barely hold conversation due to no short-term memory. When am I going to get my short-term memory back?
Question 3: when do the heinous symptoms which I have experienced since the age of 36 when do these go away?
Question 4: I have gained 3 stone (42 pounds or 19.05 kg) weight between the ages 36-40 due to heinous symptom and no metabolism. This despite intense exercise and watching what I eat. At what age will I be able to shift this#? Is it age 43 or 45?
Question 5: When do you get sexual functioning back? Long term memory back? The ability to process information back? The answer to this question I will give as a gift to support groups .It is 43 yrs.
Question 6: When will a person be well enough for full time work?
That’s it folks. I’ll be amazed if anybody gets back to me on this. Hope you like the song.

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HonestJohn77's picture
Jan 5

@kisobel Thank you for the response.I am doing much better today thanks.as Im a few months out from being well enough to be around people my days are spent watching dvds (I recommend the movie "WIND RIVER"-very sad) followed by nights in the gym.I stay away from people except talking to gym instructors,my friends.I don't speak to people from fellowships.Yes i see a psychologist a clinical psychologist.I pay her myself out of my disability payment.i see her once fortnightly.What troubles me the most out of everything I said? It is definitely the absence of short term memory with no learning ability and the absence of emotions.lots of people in recovery have got both of these back usually when they hit forty.I think,but i'm still guessing here that feelings come in the late summer/ autumn and short term memory comes back in the winter time.Once this comes back the persons ability to learn new things ,to concentrate better,to rote learn and recall comes back.I observed a woman 3 years ago who had turned 40 in july get her feelings back by the end of the summer and her short term memory and rote learning ability back a few months later in the winter time.I myself turned 40 in November.So when i hit late summer 2018 Ill still be in my 40th year so my head will be in the same place hers was then.i should feel my feelings then by the end of summer and get my short term memory and learning ability back by winter just as she did.If I do ill let support groups know as it shouldn't be kept a secret.I put that song on here again in case you weren't able to hear it the first time.Thank you for your help and support.:-)

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kisobel's picture
Jan 6

@HonestJohn77 - I read your response above a couple of times and I think the gist of it is that at a certain age and season things will change for the better. Is that what you were saying? I believe all things are cyclical, so it makes a lot of sense. It also makes a lot of sense that you can make things come about by believing in them. It's a way for us to make sense of our lives, in a way. I will look for Wind River. Do you enjoy the gym? I can't take the ongoing long term relationships that seem to develop around the behind the desk staff, the trainers and the other members. But, that's me. I'mm glad you're going. I will go listen to the song now. thank you.

HonestJohn77's picture
Jan 12

@kisobel -the gym is like a constant battle. A ruthless pursuit of excellence or perfection that I like to strive for.At different ages I got there where I wanted to be look wise. At the moment I don't like how I look even if others do.At the moment its like a means to an end.There is no weight loss anymore but at least it helps keep my shape.The combination of cardio and weights is like whipping myself in a good way.it helps me to feel something.Ya I can identify with not wanting to talk to the trainers or other members.When these relationships began i was more talkative and lacked boundaries.Now I'm less talkative with better boundaries.So if i didn't know anybody in the gym today -I'd be more happier not speaking to anyone.Because it can be tiring or draining.


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