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Is it okay to vent here? I am feeling SO angry right now. Ju

Trina19's picture
[380]

Is it okay to vent here? I am feeling SO angry right now. Just got home from counseling and it feels like a HUGE waste of time. I just want to feel better! I don't want to keep talking and talking! I've been in and out of counseling my whole life and I haven't and still don't "feel better". Is there such a thing as feeling better? I feel fuming mad right now! And I don't even really know why. I hate being me. But I don't want to be anyone else either because their crap might be worse than mine! She suggested medicine.Been there done that. Not doing it again. Anybody else just feel angry for no apparent reason? Is that part of this thing called Borderline? I wish I had a friend I could call. I wish my husband had an ounce of empathy. I don't want to listen to me. Why would they? I feel like I don't deserve to have anyone listen or care. Oh em gee. I want to delete this post because I feel like I'm being ridiculous. More of that Be Seen And Not Heard upbringing I had. So I am going to hit save and trust someone somewhere "gets it".

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Trina19's picture
[380]
Aug 15

It gets tiresome to constantly need reassurance. I just keep it to myself now as I'm learning ways to self-soothe. I'm sorry about your wife, Danny.

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[110]
Aug 15

@Trina19 Thanks, there was a lot of grief i didnt know how to handle. She left 5-10-19 completely went no contact and text me 7-17-2019 for a divorce. I think her friends convinced her I'm a narcissist because she would need so much soothing from abandonment issues, break down at work and would word things so I'm responsible for it in their minds. It wouldn't of been tiresome if I knew she had bpd and we could start getting her help the way she needed. She is intelligent and a kind woman but we would go into these cycles every week about me not caring because of 'X" or she wasnt good enough. She would get triggered projecting something from childhood and I would be the "parent figure" in her subconscious getting the brunt of it. I would set boundaries and force her to cool off but that made things worse. She devalued me in Feb because i wouldn't take any more physical abuse from these break downs. I could always see her disassociate during the violent episodes and she wouldn't really acknowledge it after or slush it off because of our size difference. I could handle all that but we just weren't making progress. I wish she or I sought help a long time ago. Understanding bpd and the nature of it would of went miles for us.
Hope therapy helps you, finding triggers and such. Past traumas can be hard to figure out.

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Trina19's picture
[380]
Aug 15

There is never any excuse for physical abuse. I'm sorry it went that far for you. I haven't told my husband about the BDP and probably won't because I know from past experience that it's best to just not tell him some things. But it helps "me" feel better knowing what the issue is. I'm glad you mentioned your wife's disassociating during the violent episodes because that helps me see that I might be doing the same except for mine aren't violent - they are complete and utter meltdowns of tears... crying myself into migraines. Knock on wood, tho, it's been a while since that's happened. And crying like that has a direct tie to an incident in childhood.

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