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I'm in LDR, so my paranoia is often sky high. So this mornin

I'm in LDR, so my paranoia is often sky high. So this morning my boyfriend pulled a joke by not picking up my calls and telling me he was outside. That triggered me, esp when I called seeing him laughing at me while he was only in his room watching movies. I lost myself at that moment, I was so mad because he's aware of my situation yet he's playing my emotions. I had micropsychotic episode after that, I gone mad. I cried, and hit myself. I am so tired. :( What do you guys do when you're having your episode?

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emmystrouble's picture
[11235]
Dec 21

I've had episodes like you descibed..but I'm always alone when I have them..the sad crying ones. It's when I talk to God and ask him why he hates me...and ask him what I did that was so wrong. That it must've been so bad. Those are the questions I ask over and over until I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I'll ask other questions, but those are the most common. The angry ones...those unfortunately are in front of others. Sometimes I'm already mad, and someone will say something....and it's like I take a backseat in my mind...i go off about whatever it is. Then other times I'll be all happy go lucky. Then someone will casually ask about something...and the switch is instantly flipped. All of a sudden I'm angry talking about whatever words triggered the response. The flip is sudden and startles me. I retreat in my mind, and dissociate while I start ranting. It is difficult to respond to reasoning from myself or others. Sometimes if I'm angry, it's best if I stay to myself and avoid any type of communication. I don't like seeing the hurt i caused by someone hearing what I say even if it's not directed at them. So far the only person i know who can withstand and not take it personally is my boss. We've worked together for years..and he will patiently sit there and let me rant until I'm all ranted out. Its not like those episodes happen everyday. And for the most part if i feel them coming on...i can get to a place im alone. It's embarrassing to me when others are present. Then I tell myself of all the things that I've been thru can I possibly even get embarrassed anymore? I didn't ask for the pain that caused my mind to develop this way. But the pain is like a weed that can be spread to others when I'm angry. I don't know if this helps any. Hugs.

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[295]
Dec 21

@emmystrouble That happens to me all the time. When I'm mad I lost it in front of my Parents, sister and boyfriend. And sometimes I'm very anxious that I might lose myself in front of other people. So no matter how upset I am, I'm trying to fight it. But it's difficult. I hope one day we'll see the light. It's Christmas season but I feel bluer than most of the days. :( *hugs*

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emmystrouble's picture
[11235]
Dec 21

@deelightful reminds me of the line on national lampoons Xmas vacation....the little lights aren't twinkling, Clark.. it will get better. One day closer to the up of this mood swing.

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