I was driving today and heard this song today for the first
I was driving today and heard this song today for the first time, Liability, by Lorde. It literally brought me to tears. I feel as though I could have written these exact words
I have been trying to determine if I this initial BPD diagnose is correct or not, considering the therapist who made the diagnosis also acted unethically and abused the counseling relationship. My mind is everywhere. Am i borderline? Am i not? Hearing this song, what do you all think? Can you relate?
@handsclean. I like Lorde's song. I do understand how you can relate to the lyrics. When you think about BPD and whether or not you have it, can you determine how much your anger, impulsivity, inability to regulate your emotions, trouble with personal relationships and feelings of self-loathing have impacted you life, if at all? I'm sure you've looked up the criteria for BPD, but If you do or don't have BPD - no matter what it's called, getting help is essential. The DSM-5 renamed Borderline Personality Disorder the Emotionally Unstable Disorder, with two sub-types. You could try bringing it up with your new therapist when you're ready. You could mention your previous therapist diagnosed you with it and see what she says.
I honestly don't really express anger. If anything, at least until recently, I've always been one who holds anger in. For me, it's more the fear of people leaving me and almost getting frantic when those periods of deep depression hit. I feel like I get in this complete panic and will do anything and everything to get some relief-- and I desperately cling to those who show me the least bit of attention. I idolize certain people in my life too much, and then I just crash and burn when they let me down or reject me. I've done this since I was young. I know I'm needy and clingy and it hurts my relationships, but I don't know how to break this. At the same time, I can also be very good at giving the world a strong professional image and just faking it and pulling myself together and doing what it takes to move on. I feel like it really comes in waves for me. I will need to read about the two subtypes. I haven't done enough research to really be talking much about this, but the little I have done, I definitely feel like I fit into the part about clinging to people and then idolizing and then demonizing people. I will put so much into people-- then I will convince myself that they hate me, that they are trying to run from me, that they have hurt me, and I will just lash out and feel like I need some confirmation from them that they still care. When I get into a depressive state, it is deep. Sometimes I just don't see a way out.
And by anything and everything I mean things that harm myself and cause deeper issues in the end.