I know its been awhile but I was doing ok for awhile. Going

I know its been awhile but I was doing ok for awhile. Going on long bike rides and going to surgery after surgery but oh today, oh what a day from Hell. Now you must know I live with my parents though I am 43. I am on dialysis and unable to work. For the past couple years I have been taking the brunt of my mothers anger at who knows what and today takes the cake. There we were eating lunch in a public place mind you and there was a loud noise behind her and well she said something that offended me so I let her know it and after a few exchanges of me trying to explain how her speech and language offends me at times and asking why she can't respect my feelings she flat out said "I find you offensive". Oh its so nice to know the one who brought me into the world wishes she hadn't, that she hates me, oh then the argument continued into the car. If I didn't have to go to get an infusion of iron I would never of gotten back in the car and thinking back I shouldn't have. This house is toxic and my mother made me wish I was dead. At the moment she said that I wished I was dead and started thinking of ways to die to finally make this family happy because as long as I am around they will not be happy. I am a financial drain and as my sister puts it though she hasn't said it outright but expresses it with her actions I am a waste of oxygen. Then at he movie we had planned for a few weeks now as there was only one showing of this movie I totally lost it on my father in the theatre. A few F's here and a few there and then stormed into a seat as I was damned and determined to see this movie as they will not destroy the one thing I enjoy:cycling. It was a the Le Ride movie on the 1928 tour de France. Once they destroy that there will be nothing left and dialysis is slowly doing that. I can not take living here anymore but have nowhere else to go as my entire family is think I am either nuts or a liar just seeking attention and that I really do not have these so called depressions let alone BPD. They all think those stopped in my teenage years and have been judging me for it ever since. I have been written off as crazy. I am at a loss of what to do and I do not see the therapist until Tuesday. I do not know if I can last that long. I just want to take enough dilauded to sleep until then or to never wake up again

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kutoa's picture
[5485]
Nov 14

Well my therapist says that I was using DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill when I told her her language was offensive and that I was being assertive in asking her to please respect my values and her reaction was essentially my mother being my mother. My approach was good it was my mother, behaving abnormally but that one could not conclude that she hates me from I find you offensive statement. Now I probably am preaching to the choir here as only kisobel responds but he said I should take into consederation my mothers own pain and past hurts when interpreting what she says into a meaning, You know I listened to this but I heard/intterpreted this?

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kisobel's picture
[182195]
Nov 14

Hey girl - I thought of you today when a friend of mine posted this article on fb.
I thought I have to send the link to @kutoa, and here it is. I did check to make sure it was legit and it is the University of California at San Francisco that is doing the research and development.
On the topic of your post - What did you hear when he said take your mother's pain and past into consideration?
For me that might be triggering. Big hug!
http://healthanddiy.com/worlds-first-artificial-kidney-set-replace-dialysis-2-3-years-work/

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kutoa's picture
[5485]
Nov 14

Well I was thinking the he was justifying her quirk remark because she has abandonment issues and was the one who found her mother dead on the day of her fathers funeral. Thats right there is enough to scare one for life and it most likely did. When I told him that he was like Well I did not know that in that way of well that explains a whole lot.

The article is a little iffy as it says people waiting for transplant only 1/3 survive past 5 years well that is not true right there. its been 9 years for me, and nearly 20 for another patient and several others have gone way past the 5 years. My doctor says they are working on it but not for several years and that its down the line but he said that a year ago. Besides it says it needs live kidney tissue of which I have none, zip, zero, zilch they are dead, dead, dead dead. And withe my immune compromised system no one in a million years would ever do that surgery. The medical community is damned and determined to make me suffer until the day I finally die. They most likely caused the damage and now will do nothing for it except extend my life as long as possible with surgery after surgery and dialysis that is what I consider my torture chamber. Freedom from it means my death. period. the end. My life essentially ended 9 years ago when I started dialysis and then a few months later a divorce because the a#$%^#* couldn't take that I never had the energy or the stamina to be intimate never mind I was no longer attracted to that cheating *** but nonethieless I was sick and he could not get what he wanted so the twit cheated so out he went. so on top of dialysis, renal failure, BPD I am alone there is no hope for me as I've been screwed over big time

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