Hi everyone! I'm new to the group, came here because I feel

Hi everyone! I'm new to the group, came here because I feel like my disorder is ruining my relationship and I could really use opinions and guidance from people in the same boat. This will probably be a very long post because I need to vent, I appreciate if you bear with me to the end.

The thing is, me and my partner (who is also my favourite person) are long distance (started out as friends), and thanks to my studies and his work it's sometimes quite difficult to sync the schedules or decide who travels. So far we have each travelled once to the place of the other, and the third time we met in location X, that was also the last time we saw each other. Yesterday I mentioned to him that my family's asking if he comes with me for christmas and today he told me he doesn't know yet because his current financial situation is pretty tough and the tickets to my state are expensive. Which is the truth, they're ridiculously expensive already. And yet, even knowing that, reading his reply my brain started screaming "he doesnt even care about me! not enough to start saving up! or looking for other options! he doesn't even want to meet my family and friends! he's only okay with travelling if I do it! he's not even serious about this relationship! I am the one who cares more once again! it'd be the best I just broke us up right now! he clearly doesn't care!! and it's okay, because guess what, I HATE him!!! I'll ignore him for a couple of days, that'll show him!!" and it pretty much hasn't stopped until half an hour ago, when I slipped into that freaking void-like state. Incidents like that have been happening in my brain for at least 2 months now and I've had a really tough time controlling myself enough so I didn't say any of those things to my partner, but it's taking SO much energy out of me. I haven't talked with him about BPD yet, because I don't know how to explain it. He only knows I have depression (even tho, the more I observe myself, the more I think my depression could be just a symptom... or something... of my bpd) and is very supportive. He's also mentally ill himself, he doesn't know exactly what he has, based on what he's told me I think he has some kind of depression and possibly ADHD. So yeah, we are just two mentally ill kids living way too far away from each other, trying to make it work. Of course all of this makes it that much harder on me, because every time I react like I described I get scared afterwards that if I ever was to mention those thoughts to him, he'd realize I AM too difficult of a person to be with, and leave me. (Disclaimer: when I once mentioned to him that my mental illness makes me feel like Im too difficult to be with, he told me he doesn't think that). Very often I also feel really wrong and disgusting for reacting the way I do, but I don't know how to moderate it in any way. I'm scared I'll eventually lose control over myself and break up with him in the heat of the moment, and I really dont want that. Can you help me in any way?

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ElspethGarth's picture
[430]
Oct 6

Traveling to meet the family can be daunting... cash outlay, emotional preparadeneness, etc. Give him this room to hem and haw. It is reasonable. We have to recognize our loved one is only human, as is ourself, afterall. Good for you for recognizing the real traveling exense. He's come to meet you twice... its not only you who has to travel to him. Ignoring him is a form of temper tantrum, an impulsive behaviour. Try commpassion. Is it really too early to meet the family and friends when he knows so little about YOU? Afterall, you haven't to ld him about the BPD. Compassion will remove the focus on you own discomfort, a healthy altternative to hate.

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[150]
Oct 12

Are you feeling better? I know from my own experience how hard and challenging long distance relationship is. It takes a lot of trust in your partner especially if you can't see them regularly.

I just want to encourage you to keep communicating with him and not give up. Don't let your fear control you. Remember that you are not god. You do not know your partner as well as you believe. Your judgments are partial and imperfect. We are not meant to judge others but to love others and forgive others... just as we want to be loved and forgiven when we mess up. So, be careful not to let your feelings deceive you. Resist judging him or acting impulsively to punish him. Don't believe that you are at the mercy of your "illness." Take a small step towards taking responsibility for your words and actions. Don't plan on instant & complete change, but one small step at a time in the right direction is a good start.

It's not easy to reign in our feelings & control our impulses. It's a lifelong challenge. So, please don't get discouraged, and don't give up!

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Lostincalifornia's picture
[1385]
Oct 12

@ElspethGarth just love all your comments on posts. Really good stuff!!

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