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hi everyone, I have BPD I found out 12 years ago but it's on

Nicky1's picture
[225]

hi everyone, I have BPD I found out 12 years ago but it's only lately in the last year that I have accepted it. I realized that I probably need to talk about it with others like me and understand a bit more what is really wrong with me. I have been fighting my symptoms trying to make sense of it all but keeps coming back and I can't keep a steady job anybody else living this?

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Nicky1's picture
[225]
Feb 12

Thank you Pestisor :)
Zak I hear you, I am sorry you have lost everything, I can honestly understand why and how you got there, it's hard to be around people you love and feeling like your letting them down well I can only talk for myself but I felt that many times. If i wasn't sober I would of lost everyone very fast. My husband his trying to understand the best he can, I am not abusive that helps but i am no picnic sometimes. I have education as well and tried in my field that didn't work either, now i just get jobs with the less stress as possible and the still don't work either. I am like you right now just trying to go day by day to get better and the expectations I clearly understand that too. I am very hard on myself, I can take criticism related to work for me it's when I feel it's not fair when people attach me in a personal way on my character that's when i have a very hard time holding my words. The world is not always fair and I shouldn't take it personal but being so sensitive I end up defending myself and that's gets me in trouble every time instead of keeping quite and stay positive. When i lash out I feel guilty and end up blaming myself for days. Yes we need to live with it and find coping tools in order to live around people. You said it, it's the way I think that needs to change. For me it's my faith in God that keeps me from going darker and stay in that dark hole, I refuse to let myself get there, I've been there in depression and I did lots of mistakes and still do, the only way i can move on from that I have to contently forgive myself. But back to my mental illness it's so frustrating when i am around people and start that negative thinking and start thinking people don't like me and always feel out of place. I don't always feel that it all depends what my state of mind is like that day, that's where I know I am paranoid and overly sensitive, then I know it's my illness talking over. I have worked on that for years, I keep telling myself the truth like example: not everyone will like you it's normal or even if they don't like you "who cares" keep going forward. But still to this day I have to ask myself "ok is it me imagining that ?or do they really hate me?". I wonder if that people mean when they talk about being delusional?? I have an hobby, it's painting. But with lack of money I had to stop. Self positive talk like your doing is a very good way to change the way you think, I am glad you do that, keep positive, I think your doing awesome :)

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Nicky1's picture
[225]
Feb 12

@kisobel Thank you so much, and I am grateful for the nice welcome.

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Nicky1's picture
[225]
Feb 12

Thank you Zak you have helped me so much already, I can tell that opening up in here is helping me already. I have tried working at home jobs, I have worked for myself selling products as well didn't work out at the time. Yes I do ask myself those questions around people and I end up getting over those emotions but they come back and I still live the same fight in my head and heart. Today is a better day. I am taking one day at a time. I have to go cook dinner :) see you soon.

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