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3 months ago I got on my RP site again. I've been playing it

Tundra's picture
[1380]

3 months ago I got on my RP site again. I've been playing it since I was 17 and my mother ran off with her boyfriend to Las Vegas leaving me completely alone in the apartment until I went into the military. It's like a bad habit, especially when I am out of work and I finally graduated with my MBA/Accounting degree so I am not in school full-time, either. I get this bad habit where I go on there, have cyber sex and start these RPs with people with no intent on getting attached, but then I end up getting attached, like ALWAYS (COMPLETELY aware this is my fault, too. I accept responsibility and I keep trying to figure out ways not to get attached in an obsessive type of way) so when I started to get attached to someone, I kept pushing him away, he kept pushing me away, we kept pulling and pushing, then finally he just stopped. He just shut down when I got so scared I told him it wasn't going to work. The bad part is that he can easily ignore me or just shut down, even though he told me he loved me and made all these promises to me, then he just shuts down and no longer cares. I get it and I asked him if he wanted to try again. He said no, so I deleted my account. It doesn't stop me from checking on the site to see if he's on, trying to memorize his time/schedule, trying to contact him even after I told him that if he doesn't want to try with me that if I message him no matter what I say that he shouldn't message me back... now I want to make a new account on the site, a new character on the site. And I know I shouldn't because it'll just enhance my need to talk to him eve if he doesn't know I'm under a new account, but if he rejects me, which is most likely what's going to happen. I already know how it's going to end. His feelings for me, if there really were any, are just gone. There's no way to get them back, so I'm just going to end up being the idiot chasing after some guy again, embarrassing myself, showing that I'm not healthy and I can't move on. I am terrified to get into relationships and have feelings for people especially romantic relationships, because I view myself as damaging or broken or whatever... which sucks because I badly want to love and be loved... I wanted to love him, but once the guy sees that BPD side of me he just gets hurt and leaves or I panic and think "oh red flag I should leave" I just wish I didn't push people away just because of my BPD, but I don't realize I am doing it until it's too late. I miss this guy so much. He and I were great RP partners and we both liked the long-distance since we both have other stuff going on in RL, but man... this has to be the millionth time I've legit pushed someone away out of fear, then when they finally leave I chase after them. This is my issue. It's one of my biggest problems and I've yet to figure out how to overcome it.

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[220]
May 17

@Tundra That is one of my worse fears. What else would explain a childhood of nothing but abuse.

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Tundra's picture
[1380]
May 17

@Mr_MAB It all stems back from childhood, but childhood doesn't help figure out what to do about it now. I want to do things the right way, take my time, not panic, fall in love, wait years before marriage, but I can't enjoy the present due to fear of the future, especially after a couple guys seen how bad I can get and they've left me. It's like being sick and being punished for being sick, as if you asked to be sick and did it on purpose. I've even told some upfront my issue, they comfort me and tell me it's going to be okay, but then they see it and hit the road so quickly. My only choice is probably to find someone with the same issues as me, as long as we don't procreate, it's not endangering the world, right? It sucks altogether.

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[220]
May 17

Thanks so much for this sharing I don't feel so alone. Anyone I get close to I would always warn that I mess things up bad. I did this with my latest romantic relationship. Then as I got diagnosed and learned why I am the way I am I was upfront with her. She kept saying np im fine with it. But that started to change when she actually saw it. I understand the feeling of people acting like we choose to be like this. The comments some people make I want to say "oh wow you just solved all mental illness". I do worry that no one will be able to handle how I am. Its a scary feeling. And then it kicks in the feelings of being alone.

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