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***Trigger Warning maybe*** So my mum came over to my sch

DarkBeMe's picture

***Trigger Warning maybe***

So my mum came over to my school yesterday morning and met a boy in my room. Yes he slept over, no we did not have s*x. BTW my mum's totally uber christian so in her eyes, I'm a fornicator. She's was mad and worse disappointed and she said so. I tried apologizing all day yesterday, sent texts which she didn't reply to, called and she didn't pick up. Last night she told my dad and then he calls me and says, "I'm being loose and turning myself into a tissue paper to be used and dumped" and my mum says I've truncated my destiny and I'll never be able to face God ever again and the devil's caged my destiny.
I'm agnostic but I was raised Christian so I can't dare tell my parents about the agnosticism.
I'm mostly hurt because all my life I've tried to make them proud of me, it's all I've done.
I've been suicidal for roughly 5/6 years now and every time I fight it because I want to pay them back for all the parenting and make them happy but if I'm disappointing them this way, what's the point of staying alive?

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Aug 12

You ever get blood work done? My TSH was 8.6 and severally effects mood. Basically hypothyroidism, I am a athlete of sorts, if you miss sleep and train to hard your endocrine system can really take a hurting causing all kinds of depression and bad thoughts.
On a side note about getting back at your parents, that seems like a tough thing to go through when your parents raised you one way and expect those things out of you. It is tough coming out of that phase in life and for your parents to let go of control at some point. Just imagine the cyclical nature of parent/child parent/child parent/child your parents were children at one point in time and had ways forced onto them because thats how it needed to be done. So these cycles arent perfect by any means. If you felt responsible for this being you made you'll tend to stick to things you've been shown as a child good or bad to raise that said being. We need to see the importance of parents at least trying even if its wrong. At some point the individual will know how to properly raise ones self and the cyclical nature of child rearing will continue with your children. We all will get things wrong its life and if your child could be in your shoes one day and maybe your child should recognize mom is'nt perfect but she loves me even though shes not doing "insert example" right. Parent and child wont always see eye to eye just realize all relationships are tough at some point and then end or get better. Sorry if this was useless and to general. They'll roll around just keep chugging along , finish school and things will go your way with time.

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Aug 13

I know exactly how you feel! I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 20 years ago. It turns out it is borderline personality disorder as medications never ever ever helped me! I do have a lot of trauma a lot from my childhood, my daughter's father being abusive and the last 16 years married to a husband who tried to commit suicide on a regular basis. He left me a year-and-a-half ago and I just freaked out. I do get irritable easily, I have a very hard time concentrating and getting a task done! I had no idea that I had such a poor self-image and that I always push people away before they can push me away. I don't have any friends I don't have any family I have one daughter who has anything to do with me and understands what's going on. It is very frustrating I see a psychiatrist once to twice a week and that does help somewhat. But I'm 49 years old and I am just trying to start dealing with this borderline personality disorder. When I read the information in my doctor's book about it, I had every single symptom, every single one. It was like I was freed knowing what is wrong with me but also not knowing at all how to change it is very scary! So I know what you're going through, and I wish you the very best. I'm doing cognitive behavioral skill book but it's taking me forever to even complete one chapter. My first memory is at 4 years old and I have years that I don't remember anything at all! The things I'm starting to remember are so disgusting and tragic that I don't want to remember. But this book says that you have to face it to be able to let it go. I don't know it's very hard. I'm very glad for this site, because I have nowhere else to vent, thanks everyone

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Mary_Jane's picture
Aug 19

@DarkBeMe How are you now? Any news?


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