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A question about a therapist choice. I am not sure if I a

monami's picture

A question about a therapist choice.

I am not sure if I am not making a mistake. I can only choose 1 therapist to have it covered by my health insurance.. I don't want that someone replying my question just performs active listening by rephrasing what I wrote, I want some objective opinion/information I have not thought of..

- I am living abroad and finding someone speaking English is hard
- that woman I found clams to be doing exactly what I need, and speaks good English
- the first three test sessions were about me filling in questionairres in order to get a diagnosis, and me talking about myself, but zero help from her side. Some input telling me what I already know: that I may have BPD, may have CPTSD, and severe depression (including being suicidal). But no attempt to help, just listening.
- then I went to vacation, then she went to vacation.. which means in the most severe state I am left 3 weeks without any support, and I told her I do not have currently any support from friends nor family
- the only proactivity she showed, each time she asks me to promise I will not kill myself, because "she would have problems if her patient died during treatment" - she says it
- she says she cannot work before 10 am and if I come in the morning she opens me the door in a sleeping gawn, then I wait 2 minutes till she gets ready
- her place is ridicuously messy

Is this normal that she is not helping? She says she first needs to get to know me. And now I feel completely abandoned by her, but for f.. sake, she is on vacation, and before I was. Is this a BPD overreaction? I just got a letter from my health insurance that they will pay this one therapy, and I wonder.. I already had 25% of the full coverage and help from her was zero. But can I expect someone to help already at the beginning? and is it maybe my fault i am not telling her everything? That is my codependency, i do not want to say everything to the therapist. Maybe she is not aware that I am thinking of killing myself and can barely function (occasionally cannot function)? Last time when I suggested if we could maybe stabilize my state she replied we need to work on the root cause, not the symptoms.

How not to put myself in yet bigger **** that I am now?

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[2150]
Mar 13

Why did you go on vacation in your most severe state? In therapy, you have to gain a trust with your therapist so that you can communicate things. That is the first part of therapy. Once you trust her enough to work on things, you can start your work. You set the pace for therapy. You do the healing, she shows the way. It takes months of therapy to get a proper diagnosis, so don't focus on what you have, focus on what you need to get better. Maybe even print out your post and show it to her, or write down your concerns and show her, it's easier than talking.

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monami's picture
Mar 14

@Codsworth because my friends told me it will do me good. also the friend i was visiting.

Thanks, good idea with writing things down. I used to do a lot of work on my own, when I was not depressed. Now i am barely able to do the minimum..

I used to sit and do emotional visualisations at home every time I felt emotionally unstable, and journal every day / every second day. Also I have a book at home about emotions with exercises. So it is not that I am sitting and waiting for someone to fix me.

It actually annoys the crap out of me when some of my friends tell me I have to start doing something about my problems. How many times I told them I will not join the party or a trip because I have some stuff to do. This stuff to do was this. And then they tell me I am spoiled and waiting for someone to fix my problems. I was constantly doing it for 2 years now, I am just not able to continue since 3 months, and I am automatically a lazy spoiled self centered princess. :( arghhhhh so angry.

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[2150]
Mar 14

I understand the black hole you are in. One thing, can you do one thing? The reason I asked about the vacation was because it wasn't the therapist not working with you for 3 weeks, at least one was because you weren't there. It's hard be where you are. It really is.

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